I had some really pretentious post to publish today about how wonderful cloth diapering is going and what we’ve used to make it work for us. It was a totally upbeat and positive explanation of this fabulous thing we’re doing for our earth and our pocket book and omyword could I pat myself on the back more?
Well, I probably could have (this is my blog after all), but I’m just not feeling it.
What am I feeling? Can I just be honest about this for a moment?
I’m feeling like I’m working below my pay grade.
Mentally, I need more to do in a day than to hear a cry, pick up a baby, bare my chest, and stick him on it. I need challenges greater than how to console and comfort a gassy baby. I feel bored. I feel exhausted, but bored. Did I seriously get a fairly expensive Bachelor’s degree (which we’re still (forever?) paying off) to only get out of the house twice a day, once on my morning walk, and once on my afternoon walk? I feel like the biggest struggle I face each day is to keep my cool when the only other human being I’ve interacted with keeps going hysterical.
There’s supposed to be something rewarding here, I know there is.
Is it in the nap times when O THANK GOODNESS I can blog with both hands and feel like I still have some semblance of a social life? Is it hiding in the 3rd load of cloth diapers this week where I can feel justsofabulous about my self-sacrificing greenness? Is it at the bottom of the bottle that FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE OBABY, just learn to drink it so that I can have more than 45 minutes to myself for once? Is it at Target but I didn’t get a chance to look for it because he started crying before I even found my size of nursing bra?
Oh gosh I’m being a total Debbie Downer. It’s just that I find myself wishing he were just a tiny bit older already.
“If he could just sit up on his own, I could set him down with a toy…”
“If he could just be a little older and more independent…”
“If he could just walk and talk it would be so fun to interact with him and he could TELL me what he needs…”
I always freaking do this. I always think that whatever is around the corner obviously holds the key to what’s bothering me and of course there’s nothing difficult about that stage, that stage will be perfect. That stage won’t have any of these issues and I will finally, finally have what I’m looking for.
I did this when my term in Paris was longer than I wanted to be away from That Boy. I did it when I just wanted to be married to That Boy already. I did it when HOLY COW, I COULD NOT POSSIBLY GAIN ANOTHER PREGNANCY POUND so geez louise this baby needs to ARRIVE ALREADY.
And now here I am, wishing my newborn were a toddler… or maybe a kindergartner? I do love the literacy stage…
What I really need is to stop it. Just stop thinking, Allison.
I need to stop thinking and start listening to my baby’s coos and adorable little hiccups and sneezes. Screw academia and my achievements of the past. This IS MY SON. If I look deeply into his beautiful eyes, I can see my reflection. My reflection, you guys, and it blows my mind. My reflection is there because this little person, this human being I gave life, he’s looking back at me. He’s watching how I respond to him, and he can sense my frustration and impatience.
OBaby needs a happy mother who is happy to be with him, right here and right now. Wishing away the hours and days will only teach my son that that’s how it’s done, and no one knows more than I do that this is no way to live.
I will be patient and content if for no other reason than to teach my son how to be patient and content.
Perhaps therein lies the reward.
welcome to the world of the thinking type A mamma! This time is really hard and feels like it will last forever. You can’t picture your little baby as a kid, going to school and talking etc. It will come too soon (cheesy I know but too true). I can’t beleive my girls are almost 5 & 7. This too shall pass – have you found LLL yet?
for some reason that first baby is harder. it seems like it would be harder when you have 2 or 3 and you’re going nuts with all the talking and messing up and MY GOODNESS THE TALKING. don’t rush the talking.
but i remember i just had my first one and i didn’t know any other stay at home moms. i had just completed my master’s degree and oh my goodness how i wanted to use some of my awesome Skills.
but it got better. or i did. or the baby did or i learned to be content. anyhow. now with 4 the days just fly by and if i get to blog i feel it was a success.
I love you. You are a treasure. I cannot wait to see you. And, there is no other life or reality than what is happening right now. You don’t know about tomorrow and God has numbered our days. You know that, and I hope you can see that you’re growing in this area.
PS- What a beautiful family! You and Dan look great as parents! (you know, when things just fit?)
Love you!
I’ll be praying for you, Allison. While, I don’t fully understand the whole “new motherhood” thing, I do understand “the grass is greener”/wanting to be at the next stage of life thing.
Learning to be content right where God has us is a very hard thing to do. I personally struggle (present-tense) with being content while being single. Ultimately, I think the solution might be learning to find our contentment and Joy in God no matter where we are.
I’d encourage you to rest in the fact that God has you right where he wants you to be, Today. Is it easy? No, especially with “sucker-fi…” I mean Micah and the immediacy of his needs. But, I believe it’s the truth and the truth isn’t always easy, but it is good.
I really appreciate this update. =) and I’ll be praying for the contentment/peace/patience of God for you. =)
It’s really hard to live in the moment. I think everyone struggles with that. You just try, day-by-day, to see in the beauty and the truth in what you’re doing. (And the truth is, what you’re doing is WAY more significant than 75% of the people who are pulling paychecks out there. Which isn’t a real statistic, but it feels about right.)
When I had my first baby, I was so excited to stop what I had been doing (teaching, and doing it badly) that I was thrilled to be at home. Which was probably God’s way of making me laugh at myself, because when I was Ms. TV Journalist who never wanted to have kids much less be a SAHM, I would have DIED knowing that I enjoyed being at home with a baby more than “working.”
girl – I wish I had some proufoundly prophetic response to this blog but what I needed to hear when I was where you are (because I certainly was) is just I FEEL YA! I felt everything you are feeling and I tried to mind over matter and feel blessed (because I knew I was) on a daily basis but raising for and feeding an infant is no small feat! It’s tough and besides telling you to treasure every moment because they go by quickly, to love every second of every stage because he will grow up fast, etc. etc. etc. is to tell you that it gets easier. Mommmy friends kept telling me that and I am hear to tell you – it is the truth. You will continue to have challenges and individual hard things at each stage but you get more comfortable as a Mom. You know what your little one wants and you make it happen. Everything gets less akward (am I alone with that on the nursing: hello!). Anyhow – just be encouraged because we (as Moms) have felt what you are feeling and we all come through alive. Good for you for putting the postive spin on your very normal feelings. Pat yourself on the back for a job you are doing well!
This is me, giving you a ginormous hug and reminding us that we’re planning a margharita date just as soon as that bed and breakfast of yours clears out. : ) I love you girl!!
Even though I don’t know you I can honestly say about 4 months ago I was right where you are today. I would cry everytime my husband would leave for work and not really stop until he got back. It was mostly beacuse I just did not think that I could do the same thing over and over again without going crazy. I know this will not help but this too shall pass and you will begin to love being you again.
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