I have been holding something in. I think it’s because my mother taught me not to step on people’s toes and this particular topic is incredibly tricky to handle in a non-tootsie stepping way.
Well, here it goes.
I am learning that parenting is this fabulous common ground that can provide for solid friendships based on empathy and understanding while simultaneously revealing deeply held and deeply different opinions on what works for your family. There’s this quote, I’m sure it was someone brilliant (Einstein? Edison?) who coined it, and heaven help me if I can’t remember it verbatim right now, but it goes something like this: “Voice your opinion loudly today, and if tomorrow it turns out you were wrong, voice your new opinion louder.”
Ok, horrible paraphrase, Allison.
I know but stick with me because that quote is the premise of what I’m about to say:
I do not agree with the BabyWise philosophy.
Many mothers that I love have used it and are using it and it has worked for them. But when preparing for this parenting thing (you know, that I’ve totally mastered in the last 6 weeks‚ *ahem*) I struggled with the overall idea that babies‚Äô cries can and should at times be ignored so as to help the baby ‘learn’ and fit into their parents’ schedule.
To be fair, I hadn’t read the book before I dismissed it as ‘not right for me’. Now I have read it and am declaring the same opinion I did yesterday.
Rather than dwelling on why I am not letting my son ‘cry it out’ for 10-15 minutes at a time in exchange for a solid night’s sleep, or ‘Becoming BabyWise’ as it were, can I tell you how I am treating OBaby’s cries and cues?**
I was often challenged by my professors in college to think of Christ as the Master Teacher. How did Jesus view his students? How did He challenge them, discipline them, respect and value them? Go then and do likewise was a common message of the Elementary Education department by which I was blessed to be taught.
I took this perspective and wanted to apply it to my parenting. God the Father as the Master Parent. How does He teach His children? Respond to their needs, discipline them, help them to see His will?
What I found was that the God of the Bible is very much present and with His children at all times and in all circumstances. This fits the name of Immanuel or, ‘God with us’. God was literally with Adam and Eve in the garden (until they screwed that up), with His people in the desert, and humbled Himself to again walk with His creation in the person of Christ Jesus. When Christ ascended, He left us “The Helper” to be in and with us until His return.
I’m sorry if I just lost you in a quick play by play of the Bible. Here’s what it means to me in everyday life and in parenting:
Having shed my share of teenage and adult tears over large and small things, I know that God is indeed with us when we hurt. Whether we cry for 5, 10, or 75 minutes over a lost soccer final, an ended relationship, or our parents’ divorce, His presence is constant. He would not allow one of His children to cry alone; in fact the Psalms tell me that He catches each tear I cry.
Does this mean that He always agrees with why I am crying? Not at all. His ways are not our ways and I know that most of the time my tears are being shed over something that is not eternally significant. But there He is, to catch each tear that falls and to comfort me, regardless.
Just as God is Immanuel to His children, so I desire to be with my son. It would break my heart for OBaby to feel alone when he is crying, whether it’s because he is gassy or because he is tired, both of which may seem trivial to me. Whether he cries for 45 seconds or 5 minutes, I want to be with him to comfort him in any way I can.
No, I am not a martyr, and no I am not omnipresent. Therefore, yes, I have left my son safely crying on a blanket or in his crib so that I could eat, get dressed, put things away, or USE THE BATHROOM for heaven’s sake, along with other things that allow me to still be a sane human being while caring deeply and daily for my baby.
Life is life and demands are demands, but to the best of my ability I would like to follow my Father’s lead as I learn what the heck it is that I’m doing here in these parenting shoes.
At least, that’s my opinion today. I will surely update you, as it could change tomorrow.
Or a hundred times over the next 18 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Please read with copious amounts of sarcasm and facetiousness.
**Of specific interest to me were pages 136-137 where author Gary Ezzo suggests leaving your infant to cry because it may turn out that “all that noise (which seemed interminable at the time) really only lasted five, ten, or fifteen minutes.” (Ezzo, 136, emphasis mine) He does of course suggest that if after those fifteen minutes the crying has not subsided, you should go ahead and check on your infant in case “your baby has become jammed into a corner” (Ezzo, 137).
i agree with you especially this early. it wasn’t until my baby was 5 months old and i was severely sleep deprived that i opened up my babywise book and began to try his methods. and to be honest, i never did let her cry it out. i just used the schedule: wake, eat, play, sleep. this schedule seemed to work miracles. she began taking longer, more consistent naps because now i knew that i had fed her right when she woke up and that was say 2 pm. so by 4 pm she was ready for another nap and not another feeding when she was crying and fussy. so the schedule, more so than the cry it out, helped me. and now she sleeps very well at night. but all mothers should make their own decision. it’s very personal.
Hmmm well I clearly know nothing about babies, considering the only time I held OBaby he cried. :) BUT I do know a little something about the Bible. While yes, I agree that God is “God with us” (a name which in context is a reference to Jesus coming to be “with us” physically in human form, but I can also see it applying loosely to Him being present in our lives) there are also many times in the Bible, not to mention our modern lives, when God does not quickly respond to His children’s cries. Do I know why this is? Not exactly. I know sometimes it’s for our own good so we can grow and learn through out struggles and sometimes it’s because He’s (shocker) letting us actually experience the consequences for our poor decisions. Sometimes it’s because we’re not truly looking for Him, waiting on Him, and listening to hear His voice but are too caught up in self-righteousness and self-pity to recognize the innate need of all of humanity for Him. Other times, there seems to be no explanation. Read through the Psalms and you will quickly see examples of both times when God responded and times when He did not to respond (“lament psalms”). The psalmist is often left with no choice to throw his hands up in frustration but choose to trust Him anyway. So, in short, I do not agree that God always responds to the cries of His children, but I have no idea what implication this has for your baby and parenting style. Your thoughts?? (P.S. I feel like I’m back at Wheaton!)
Thank you for the reminder that God catches every tear I cry. That was really powerful and I appreciated the picture it invokes in my mind’s eye. As far as the baby wise thing. I never read the book and I never let them cry it out. I didn’t rush to them the second they squawked either. Like you said, there are times when mom has to eat or use the bathroom and they need to wait. I think the schedule helped for us too! I couldn’t put them on schedule, it just sorta had to happen their way, but eventually we had a rhythm for the day and our days and nights were happier for everyone. I think you found a way that works for you and your son for now, and that’s great!
That quote, which I can’t remember exactly either is one of Ben Franklin’s aphorisms – remember we made posters of them in like Frosh Adv English?! Call me soon, and I’ll try to do the same! Loved the announcement – so sweet.
I read the books and agree with you wholeheartedly, the only thing I got from the book that really did help was the wake time, eat time, play time then nap time I think, it’s been a while. I found that until the last feeding of the day having them awake for a bit after each of the earlier feedings did help mine sleep better but man at 5 weeks it’s still way too early! Oh and this is not advice, just what worked for me, God will lead you as He already has in your path as a great mommy!
Roommate,
My thoughts are that “responding” to cries is different than “being with” the crier. Responding implies that the cry is requesting X so I will respond by giving them X. Being with a crier to me means simply a comforting presence.
Does God always ACT in response to our cries? Absolutely not (makes me think of the scene in Bruce Almighty when Jim Carrey hits reply all:”Yes.” to the prayer requests. Yes, I just referenced Jim Carrey in a theological discussion). God doesn’t sweep in and say “O, you wanted to win that game? Ok, done! Just stop crying already!”.
But God does always HEAR and is always THERE (unless we want to get into whether or not He is omniscient and omnipresent?). Frustrated psalmists may feel that He did not listen because they did not get the response or action they wanted, and haven’t we all felt that way?
In short, I cannot help OBaby to push his gas out (ACT), but I can hold and comfort him (HEAR and be THERE) while he does.
(Hey, don’t laugh. Tooting can be difficult.)
Oh Allison, I love love love this post. Not just because I hate the notion that kids should cry it out. I am sure you have had it happen, a traumatic event when you were old enough to understand how sometimes life just plain sucks. That sobbing that exhausts you? That alone feeling after a fight or a broken heart? You cry and cry and wail and sob until your face is purple and puffy, your pillow is soaked and you are so exhausted you sleep for 9 days. I have to imagine that crying out feels that same way. Yes baby is tired but some times stress is calmed with physical contact. A friend giving you a hug and telling you it will be all right, your mom holding your hand while you cry it out, what ever. I never wanted my daughter to feel scared or alone or like she HAD to cry alone. When she is hurting I am hurting and holding her, rocking her, reading How big is baby Elmo? for the 900th time…these things help calm her frustrations and stress and help me feel like I am showing her I am always there for her, even it she doesn’t NEED mommy to make it better,she knows mommy will always come for her. Just like the good Lord. He may not intervene and make it all better but he is there, holding our hand, stroking our hair and telling us to be still.
Besides who ever said a baby should have to learn to be alone is nuts. No one wants to be alone, ever. We are social creatures and we desire interactions from day one. It is lunacy that a baby should just sit and cry, unless he is jammed ina corner. But don’t check until 15 minutes have gone by. Make sure he is good and stuck. They invented crisco to unstick babies heads from crib slats. True story.
I ran across this by accident and just had to say what a wonderful post! You are a smart and intuitive mom to listen to your baby and not that harmful Ezzo book! If you want more info to support your thoughts on the matter I suggest http://www.ezzo.info. Congrats on your new baby!
I totally agree with you on this. I tried the cry-it-out method a few times with my first baby and once or twice with the second one, and it just would not work. Only made them cry longer and harder, and it was just too stressfull on all of us. There is a reason God made babies to cry, and there is a reason that it gets to us so much!
I was one that was taught that it’s ok to let your baby cry for a bit before going to him, but you know, they don’t know why you’re not responding. What’s it teaching them? It teaches them that they have to cry to get your attention. After 3 kids, I’ve decided with our third one who is now 6 months old, to just respond as much as possible, before he starts to cry. Now that he is at the age that he can be distracted with toys more easily I can buy some time by giving him a toy or making funny faces.
Oh, and as for God always responding to our cries. No not always. The Bible does say that ” If I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear me” in psalms. But this is kind of where it wouldn’t apply to parenting as far as babies go. Since babies don’t have any understanding of right or wrong, good and evil. Now as they get older and understand when they’ve done something wrong, they may need to sit in thier room or in a corner and cry for a bit after getting disciplined, before going in and comforting them. But if they’re hurt or sad or something,, I definately respond right away with kisses and hugs!