This post will be complete and unashamed honesty, although it will be hard to share. So much so that as these thoughts were running through my head while laying awake at 6am, I got out of bed to write this post. I will likely regret that decision later, but if you’ve ever felt the pull to write and get it out, I’m sure you, well, get it.
I think OBaby is a good one. I say that after he slept for eight, count them, eight hours straight last night. He’s fairly mobile and even though at times he down right hates his car seat, I can honestly say that the boy travels well and lets me be out and about often with minimal difficulty. Feeding came, shall I say, easily for him, and he’s turned into quite the little smile flirt. I believe that makes us blessed.
But still, I get it.
I have been brought to my wit’s end by seemingly interminable crying despite the fact that he’s fed, clean, and in my arms. I have been a mile and a half from home with a crying infant in a jogging stroller and had to endure those glances from strangers. I have felt that feeling, that O for the love, make it STOP feeling. I have felt it, and I get it.
It’s frightening when an emotion is that strong, especially when it is directed at (or is the result of) a helpless baby. By the grace of God each time I have felt the anger/frustration/despair that can result from a crying infant in a house when you’re all alone, I have had the self-control and clarity of thought to set him down and walk away.
But still, it’s frightening, and no one warned me about it.
I believe I am not the only one who has experienced this, and that is why I’m talking so openly about it here. I wish someone had told me. Please get me straight, I will never EVER allow myself to release this emotion on or in the presence of OBaby. I know that I can close the door and still be a good mother. I know that there are eight people on my phone’s speed dial that I can call for instant support. I know that if I needed it I could get hands-on help in a flash. But I can still say I get it.
You guys, I get how it happens. Mix a little more stress or frustration or helplessness or lack of support into my situation and things could be different. I get how people snap.
I remember one other time in my life when I have had the ‘I get it’ revelation. It may seem silly in this context, but I will always remember the time that DanO kissed me like that and I kid you not, the fact that well intentioned Christian men and women end up having premarital sex suddenly made sense to me. I remember thinking “O, I get it”. Was that an over-share? Quite possibly, but my point is this: Emotions are strong, and a “true love waits” ring is all well and good until you’ve actually felt that emotion and it is then that the real battle begins.
I believe that it is by the grace of God we can win these battles, but I also believe we should talk about them.
That is my message here, it can be a battle not to get angry at a baby. A very real and at times very frightening battle and one I was not prepared for. But let’s talk about it, can we? Let’s pray about it, pray for each other, share about it and make it a little less frightening for a first time mom when suddenly, she gets it.
Will you send me a message, either by comment or email if you can relate? Perhaps you’ve made it out of the woods and would like to encourage me? Maybe you could use my number on your speed dial because O My Word you know all to well what emotion I’m talking about and you need support? Would you please hug the new mom in your congregation and sincerely let her know you are willing to help in anyway you can? Talk with your pregnant friend about the first time you felt like you might snap and share what helped you through?
Whatever the case, let’s out with it, shall we?
Allison,
This is like the 3rd time I’ve read your blog, I think, and each time, I’m really touched by your beautiful writing, your awesome sense of humor, and how you can be so candid and raise such good issues, in such a thoughtful way.
I just had an “I get it” moment in my marriage for the very first time…and while it wasn’t about parenting, I had that same thought. I suddenly see how certain things you wouldn’t have ever considered, can happen…and it’s only by God’s grace that they don’t. But I get it. And my next biggest thought was that the thing I was dealing with is something that people JUST DON’T TALK about, although after bringing it up with my good girlfriends, I found that I was not alone. So kudos to your bringing these things out in the open and encouraging us to talk about them. :)
Thanks.
I only wish I had the courage to blog about this. I wouldn’t even bring it up to my husband because I didn’t know what he would think or say, and by the time I finally did (months later), I was so angry and didn’t make sense in trying to explain. You hit the nail on the head when explaining it here. The best advice I can offer is to take time to yourself, something that I am still learning to do, but take time when your baby is sleeping and sit outside or watch a tv show or read a book. Eventually, the stress will melt away and when those trying times come, you won’t feel so stressed in dealing with it. Hope this helps.
Allison–
I remember feeling the exact same way when Allie and Zach were babies. I can recall hours upon hours of them screaming and feeling like I just couldn’t do anything right to calm them down. I also remember being surprised by those same intense feelings of frustration and anger (which I believe are incredibly magnified by lack of sleep, a HUGE lifestyle change, and tons of whacked out hormones)…then later feeling guilty that I harbored those feelings in response to my own kids. I felt like a complete failure as a mom about 95 percent of the time…which oddly, in retrospect, was a good thing, because it caused me to be completely dependant upon God while also serving as a reminder to me that apart from God and left to my own devices, I would never be able to be the mom that Allie or Zach needs.
I can assure you that all the challenges you are facing now while caring for a newborn will improve the older your son gets (big surprise, huh?), but what continually amazes me is all the new challenges that come along with each stage. I’m not sure if things necessarily get easierm but I don’t know that they get harder either. On the other hand, it seems that the challenges of raising our 2 kids are continually changing. I still find myself just as inadequate for the job of motherhood as I did in the very beginning, but God’s grace has also become more real to me now than it has ever been at any other stage of my life.
Being a mom is hard. Along with God and his Word, the things that help me most when I’m feeling exactly the same way you are feeling are: my husband, other moms who are in the same boat as myself (dealing with exactly the same struggles with similarly aged kids), other moms who have been there and done that and actually survived to tell about it, and either a pedicure or a really good and long bubble bath. :) I can tell you that last week alone I had 4 bubble baths (yep…it was just one of those kinds of weeks…)
Wow – what a beautiful thing! Someone is blogging about “it” – that emotion you feel when you are Mommy but for whatever reason at times – that isn’t enough. I so, so, so remember that helpless, insane, reckless, frustrating, stressful and depressing feeling. Oh my word how I remember it. I had the unfortunate fate of having a baby which was a “touch colicky” whatever that freaking means anyway! I will tell you what it means – I had a baby who was undiagnosed with reflux for months and SCREAMED non stop. My husband was back at work, I was in a state several states away from the closest blood relative and my child WOULD NOT stop crying. I shut the door too – I also walked miles with the baby sling and I cried..and cried…..and cried some more. I remember saying: “how do teenage mothers do this, how do single moms do this and how on earth do military mothers do this?”. It is so hard! So frustrating! and so……LONELY. I am so thankful you are talking about “it”. Good for you! If it weren’t for my MUMS group (well, and some mood altering medication) at my church I literally would have lost grip on reality in all honesty. It did my heart so good to hear other women say “hang on…it will get better”. I clung to that…oh how I clung to it. And you know what? It was true….they were right. It does get better – every minute, every day, every week, every month – it gets easier and easier Praise the Lord. Now hear this…..there are new struggles with each age but the crying ceases and thank God for that because it can make you go crazy. I was there – most of us Moms are and I am just glad you are talking about it. Thanks from me and Thanks from those who will remember this post when it’s there turn to “get it”.
Nope, you’re definitely not alone! There were lots of tough times in our early months, but I hadn’t felt the extremes of rage until more recently. I know in my head that an 18-month old can’t be rational, but he was being SO IRRATIONAL: crabby because he was overtired but refusing to nap and I was SO SO overtired and desperately wanting my own nap and suddenly considering harm to both of us. Not seriously, as you said, but even the fleeting thoughts scared me. We also ended up on a walk (even though that was the last thing I wanted in 80-plus degree weather), in which my prayers were simple – please God, please help me! In those dark moments, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for putting this topic out there, and the encouragement to be honest with others about it.
Dear ladies,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments and beautiful words. It was instantly reassuring to me for having posted such a tricky and intensely personal topic when you began to agree and encourage me through these comments. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way as I am learning to be a mother, and it has been a blessing to hear your stories.
Let’s keep the conversation going.
-AllisonO
I remember vividly. The days of holding Mia while she cried and cried, unable to do anything but cry with her. I got it then. Realizing “O- This is what they mean when they say parents serve their children.” It’s really a dying to self unlike any other. The crying will get better, new challenges will surface,and you won’t be alone through anything. Honestly, the thing that helped me the most was talking about it. So kudos to you for being so brave in sharing your heart. Just hold on, call those speed-dial numbers when you need to (add mine in if you’d like!), lean on DanO, and savor the cuddles. Soon, Babe will be an independent toddler too big to put in a sling. You are a great momma.
This is a beautifully authentic post, Allison.
I think every parent feels this way at some point. The fact that you recognized it was completely irrational is a good thing. It means you’re sane. :-) But that rationality doesn’t stop the intensity of the emotions.
I honestly don’t know how people parent or stay married without Jesus. If it were up to me and the siren song of my emotions, I’d be a disaster.
(P.S. See you TOMORROW! So freakin’ excited. I hope I don’t hug you too hard.)
Well, I have no children of my own.. but I worked in the infant room with 11 babies, for 8 hours a day, for 6 years. I totally know how you feel. The difference there was the “instant” support in a setting like that.. yell out the door, “Hey, I need a break!” and 5 women come a-runnin. I always wondered if I would get that feeling when I had my own child.. thinking maybe it would be a little different, it being your own. But as I read your post and every ones comments, I realize that it is all the same. Good to know.. And good to know we’re not alone.
You’re only human, and you can only take so much. Be proud of what you’ve done as a Mother.. because you’re great. And when you need to, just take that short break.
Thanks for sharing.