It’s 3:00 am and I hear the rustle of him stirring before he has even opened his mouth to call me. I pull myself from the sleep haze, grasp my hands together and stretch them over my head with a tired groan.
It’s time.
I hear his first squawk and I roll over to DanO. “Hunny, can you go get him?”
It takes a few moments for my words to sink in, even though they are the same words I have uttered at 3:00 am in the dark of our room every night for the last 8 months, when OBaby began sleeping in his own bed.
DanO repeats my arm-raising stretch then puts his feet down on the cold hardwood floor as he has at 3:00 am every night for the last 8 months. He sits upright, then stands and begins trudging slowly to the nursery.
I roll over and pull back the blankets covering me. I fluff up my pillow and push it up to the top of the mattress. I roll up the blanket I keep on my side of the bed for this very reason, then I place the rolled blanket along the outside edge. I arrange it just-so, making a place for my sweet baby to come snuggle next to me and be nourished.
I am preparing for my baby to come. Feathering my nest.
A blanket on two sides, a pillow on one, and mama on the other – we have cuddled each other like this every night for the last 11 months. In the early days of nursing I was so exhausted I would sleep with him latched on for hours each night. Now, I keep myself awake as much as I can, watching him and stroking his soft head.
I know these moments will soon be gone.
DanO comes back to our room holding OBaby, whose whines stop the moment he lays eyes on me. The comfort of this routine, this place, this warmth, this moment calms him.
He snuggles in close. I take a deep breath and sigh contentedly and I don’t care that it is 3:00 am and I am awake. That thought hasn’t even occurred to me. Right now I have my warm sleepy baby cozied up at my breast and all is right in my world.
Without fail, this routine or some version of it has occurred every night (often many times a night) for nearly a year. Except for last Tuesday. Last Tuesday I woke for the first time at 6:15am and my heart sank.
It had been nearly 12 hours since I cuddled my baby.
Although it hasn’t happened again since, I know a day will come when OBaby no longer needs to nurse in the middle of the night. When I won’t need to feather my nest and won’t get to smell and feel him next to me in the wee hours. I see that day coming, and so I focus all the more intently on these days while we have them.
I arrange the blankets just-so. I lay awake and look in his drowsy eyes until they close under the weight of comfort and warm milk. I run my hand slow and gentle up and down his back. I cuddle up next to him when he is done and soak in the moment.
I am in love.
I didnt even breastfeed, but this post brought tears to my eyes. My Ellie Kate is 10 months old and I cherish every time I can hold her and feed her a bottle. It is the only time she isnt moving! She looks straight into my eyes and its like she just KNOWS.
this is beautiful, mama! and you’re describing the exact reason i refuse to let anyone give me a hard time for still rocking poppy to sleep for every nap & bedtime at 14 months old.
because these times don’t last forever. the times of snuggling our warm, heavy babies – listening to their deep contented breathing; smelling the tops of their sweet heads. it is one of my very favorite things about motherhood. and i will be so sad when the days come where poppy makes it clear she’d rather sleep on her own, thanks.
LOVE this post. love love love.
hugs to you and your sweet babe!
cheers!
Ditto! Except of course with my 3 boys, ages 8, 6 & 2 instead of your baby. LOL! Since I don’t know you and all. LOL!
beautiful. i’m due with baby #2 in october. and i have been thinking about the sleepless nights to come. but this is a good, gentle reminder of the beauty in it. thank you.
I’m a new reader and I’m so glad I found your blog! Yes! I love breastfeeding as well, and feel so lucky that I was able to do it. I too don’t mind middle of the night feedings. But my favorite? First thing in the morning when I have my cup of coffee and my sweet little boy pressed against me for over thirty minutes. We stay in bed and both drink our warm morning drinks. :)
aren’t those moments so precious and so fleeting! I feel the same way with my little guy (8 mo) who is still waking up to nurse a couple times a night. i love watching those heavy eyelids, the sweet sound of suckling, the sigh of contentment, and little hums. It makes all those moments lost on sleep worth it! Thank you for sharing and for the reminder to treasure all these moments. Love it! What a beautiful post!
That is so sweet. :) I can’t wait to one day experience those precious moments. I just love reading your blog. It’s so uplifting. :)
=0) I Loved this. I miss this. Milo has been sleeping through the night for months and months. I miss snuggling him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this beautiful reminder tonight. I needed it so, so much. My son was refusing to fall asleep, mostly because he wanted to smile and coo at us and, instead of enjoying it, I handed him to my hubby and sat in the bathroom crying in my exhaustion. I was blessed that both my kids started sleeping at least 8 hours in a row around 2 months, but my son has forgotten that in the last few months. When that three am and five am wake up call happens, I can barely pull myself out of bed. (It doesn’t help that I also have a toddler waking up once a night crying and needing her mommy and two little ones who are non-stop movement and activity throughout the day…) I’ve gotten so frustrated I grumble and yell at my son to go back to sleep and whine to my hubby about how easy he has it falling right back asleep (or being completely oblivious to the wake up call). But, really, all too soon I will miss those moments, so tonight I am going to purpose to enjoy my son when he wakes me at three am and tomorrow night I am going to remember your beautiful words. I need to remember in those moments of exhaustion that those moments of cuddling my children in the middle of the night, singing them back to sleep, and nourishing my son will all too soon be gone. And oh how I will miss those moments.
Im with Stephanie. Had a crazy night with our
1 and 2 year old and spent the day annoyed, tired and fustrated. Thnanks for.reminding me that these times are still precious. God bless you for your openess and honesty on this blog. It has helped me so much.
I read this as I nursed my very sleepy almost 2 month old daughter. She’s my first and we have barely begun but this already has me sad for the end! It was beautiful! Thank you!
Gosh. I remember that with Hudson. I miss breastfeeding so much. It was such a wonderful time for closeness and bonding. I gave up much too early with the twins & it makes me so sad because this post? It is one of my favorite motherhood moments. Sometimes I still get the urge to wake up the kids and have a giant cosleeping family bed because I MISS THEM SO MUCH when they sleep. Soak it in mama. Don’t you wish those parts could last forever?! It’s for these reasons that I cannot wait to do this again!
Aww… you just made me miss my middle of the night feedings with my baby girl. She has slept through the night since she was about 3 months old and put herself to sleep for the last three or four months, so my cuddling days? They’re done. And sometimes that makes me really sad.
what a beautiful post, Allison! :) I wish I would have thought to bring Joshua to our bed when he was younger, and to just keep him there. It would have made things so much easier for us! The side nursing position is genius! I have to admit that the one time Joshua missed his night feeding, I woke up missing him too. I guess sleeping through the night is a mixed blessing. And these late night feedings and snuggles are exactly why I have on intention of weaning him any time soon! I’m sure Micah looks forward to his mama snuggles just as much as you do!
when C was born i said i would nurse just 6 weeks. then i decided just 6 months. we are going on 8 months and i don’t plan to stop any time soon. he still gets up most every nite and although i’m tired, i know someday this will be over and he won’t need me in the nite like he does now. so, the extra cuddles are just as much for me as they are him.
this was lovely!
Love, love, love this post. My son is just 10 months and we have a very similar routine. I work during the day, and while I should be exhausted because of those cuddly 3am wakeups, they are sometimes what gets me through the day…knowing that although I miss him all day, I still am giving him everything he needs by continuing to nurse him. I cherish those cuddly middle of the night moments.
We too have had the “flukes” where he has slept for 11-12 hrs straight, and while we may feel rested without fail my husband or I say “I missed him!”
My little one stopped night-nursing at 14 months, and while I loved the closeness we had during those nights, I also love the sleep I have now!
This post couldn’t have had better timing. I spent last night just miserable with my little one (8 mos) waking up, fussing, and just generally having a hard time. I was up at 3 a.m., with her in my arms, bouncing her back to sleep on the big ball. Once she calmed, we climbed back into bed and nursed to sleep. I was cranky. I was tired. But I have to remember to enjoy those fleeting moments while I still have them. Thank you.
I have just recently stumbled onto your blog, and I am loving it. You are a beautiful & gifted writer! I hope that writing this blog brings you as much joy as it brings to those of us who read it.
This particular post was just so full of emotions, and so timely for me. My five month old has actually been sleeping from 8 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. for a few months now (we didn’t do anything to inspire this, it just happened). And I have gotten to enjoy the sleep. But this past week, R was sick and I was up with him during the night a few times. And after the initial shock of being awoken, I really didn’t mind. There is something very sweet about cuddling my little guy in the dark and still of the night…something very personal, almost like we have a sweet little secret that we don’t have to share with the world. For those few minutes, it’s just us. I know that these are moments that I will miss.
This is beautiful. Thank you for the reminder to live in the moment and appreciate the simple joys of motherhood! When my son (now 21mo.) was a baby, I was always wishing for the days when he would be mobile and talking, and now I wish I had appreciated the early days more. Now I try to cherish every hug and snuggle and kiss… before I’ll know it he’ll hit that independent boy streak, and won’t want to kiss his mama anymore! There are so many joys and challenges during every stage of motherhood… the important thing is living fully in the joy and being sanctified by the challenges! :)
This is why I still haven’t given up breastfeeding my almost 16 month old. People ask when I am going to wean him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it yet, and this is why! We don’t have a middle of the night feeding anymore, but I love, love, love snuggling up with him in our bed in the morning while he nurses. Isn’t it such a precious time in their little lives?!
How could someone read this after reading some other recent posts(you know which I mean)and possibly think you’re bad mother?!?! Me? I think you’re great! Oh,tell OBaby to keep it up with saying “MAMA”. :)
♥
I LOVE this post! My little one is almost 8 months, and we have pretty much the same routine here. It is pure love, and I also am holding these middle of the night nursing and cuddling moments close to mu heart.
Beautiful! :) Love this!
What a beautiful post!! I love it. I always love all of your posts but this one was really awesome! :D
Oh my this same thing happened to me today! Violet is only 5 months old and she alwasy wakes at 2:45 and 5:45 and this morning…6:15″ I tweeted about it. I was crying. I cherish those night feedings and I SO get where you are coming from. This is a beautiful post!
i never even breastfed, but i still get up in the night when my 12 month old cries and I rock him or snuggle with him on the couch. I don’t complain because, like you said, some day it will be gone. no more soft little cheekers on my shoulder. or soft breath on my cheek. I am usually so tired, but so happy in the morning knowing I could cuddle my buddy back to sleep.
This is SO precious. It was like I was watching myself do it. Love it.
Steph
This was such a sweet post. I’ve been breast feeding my son for five months, now, and I absolutely adore it. I hate to miss a feeding with him and have someone else give him a bottle because I miss that togetherness we share. My little guy generally makes it into bed with me around 5 or 6 a.m. to do the same thing. I think we all have our own “nest feathering” routines. :)
Love this post. It brought me to tears. Thanks as always for sharing your life with us.