{I’m sorry if you came for the 1st birthday party post today. It is going to have to wait.}
I don’t know for sure. We will never know for sure.
I may be having a miscarriage. We don’t know. I do know that late Saturday morning I was excited to find that my period was back after a 22 month hiatus. By late afternoon I had a stomach ache, and at 4:00am this morning I awoke to large amounts of blood. As daylight came, things didn’t slow down and I just kept feeling worse and bleeding through things. Shorts. Pants. More shorts.
I called my midwife and she said it could quite possibly be an early miscarriage (negative test about 3 weeks ago means I probably wasn’t further than 7 weeks) but unless I started passing larger clots or having sharp pains I didn’t need to come in.
Is this really happening on the day of OBaby’s birthday party?
I went into the kitchen to cut fruit for the party that afternoon, because really, what was I supposed to do? (Well, besides rest like the midwife told me.) I’m not sure what I was supposed to do because I’m not sure what was/is happening.
If it is, it is. If it isn’t then it isn’t.
I don’t mean that to sound calloused, I guess I just say that as a coping mechanism. I don’t really know what to feel or not feel or what to think or not think. Deciding that it is one or the other seems like denial or dramatics, alternatively. In early miscarriages by the time the body begins to shed, the hCG levels may be too low to detect at home, so I didn’t even bother to test. And since I’ll never really know, then, well, I’ll never really know.
I took advil (LOTS of advil) and pressed on. I don’t know how. Honestly I am still a little baffled at how I picked myself up off of the bathroom floor, washed my hands, and started chopping watermelon.
No, that’s not true. I do know how.
The Lord carried me on.
That is not a trite statement I am making. I mean that God gave me an instant sense of peace, acceptance of the unknown, and optimism in the midst of it. This day was about my family and would continue to be about my family despite what I was or wasn’t going through. And as for what I am going through? Whatever it is, it is what needs to happen. In either case, I believe that it is my body doing what it needs to do to prepare for a future baby that will, Lord willing, start growing in there some day soon.
This is right. This is good. This is God’s timing.
In the midst of having a possible miscarriage during my son’s first birthday party, I feel His love.
His love for me in the dozens of family members and friends that came to celebrate with us God’s blessing on OBaby’s first year of life.
His love for me in that year of life with my absolutely precious baby boy for whom I am even more grateful after today.
His love for me through a dear friend who at the drop of a hat went out and bought me the biggest pads I have ever seen (but were exactly what I needed).
His love for me in providing the kind of peace that surpasses understanding and allows me to enjoy a party even while my body is in turmoil.
For me, today has been nothing short of supernatural.
I don’t know how to describe it other than this: For a brief moment in time it was as though God lifted me up to His perspective and gave me His eyes with which to see my situation. But because my human mind can’t comprehend what my eyes took in, it only knows that it is good.
That He is good.
Of that I am certain.
{If you please, refrain from making diagnoses via interweb in the comments. Thanksies!}
He is good. Always and forever..
love you….
xoxoxo
Oh Alison,
Whether or not this was the return of the period (the first is always INSANE) or a miscarriage you are right. God is good. TO YOU.
Psalm 13. For you.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2013&version=NIV
No words, just love. Here for you always. xo.
Love you.
Praying for you!
What a day to have such a concerning thing happen. THIS post is why I come back to your blog time and again : )
Amen.
Bless you.
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Oh what a thing to go through and what a day for it. So glad you are feeling held, loved, and uplifted. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you. I’ll be praying for y’all.
LOVE 2 U!
You are an inspiration.
Lots of prayers and good thoughts coming your way.
God IS good, and he will provide.
Thinking of you, momma.
xo-z
I feel you…you will be in my thoughts.
thinking of you! prayers and thoughts mama.
You had such a beautiful peace all around you today that there just weren’t words to describe. This post is so beautiful too. I love you!
This is a wonderful post. You are in my thoughts.
I had a miscarriage that started the day of my wedding… know exactly the feeling you speak of. You just carry on. And 14 mos later I had my son who would never be here had that first pregnancy been viable.
Be still and know that I am God. Ps. 46:10
You are right. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But that doesn’t change who the Lord is. And he will always be there for you, just like he was there for me during my miscarriages.
The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I miscarried 2 months ago, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to comfort me, only God carried me through. May you continue to find comfort in the peace that God is already blessing you with. ((Hugs))
Love to you. Wish I could give you a big hug!
Lots of prayers & good thoughts for you tonight.
I had two miscarriages before Eddie. It’s amazing how God can take our energy and put it into what matters (family) and carry us when we are scared of what is happening. I also had the hugest flow of my LIFE when my aunt flow came back after Eddie. Soaking everything. And I get clumps with my period (tmi? maybe). So you are right…so hard to tell, but scary nonetheless. Prayers with you momma. Your attitude and faith is beautiful.
Thinking of you. Praying for you. Wishing I could give you a big ol’ hug!
AllisonO, you are beautiful and totally a cup-half-full type of lady which I adore! God is good all the time and you show it! Much love for you!
It’s so incredible to be able to pray for someone I have never met. The Lord can even work through the internet if used correctly :) Thinking and praying for you!!
I had a miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago, and I experienced the exact same thing. Oh, it was horrible and emptying and the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life, but at the same time, at my core, I had this peace. Peace that truly did pass all understanding, because looking back I can’t believe it was there but when I read the things I wrote and remember those days, I always remember them with peace. May His wonderful love and peace continue to carry you.
I’ve been there too, and you’re right. God is good all the time. Praying…
Oh Allison. My friend. My heart is sad that I didn’t know this earlier today. If nothing else, I would have given you a big hug. (But not so big that the cramps would get worse, because whoa momma. Bad cramps are horrendous.)
My own faith is encouraged to hear that God is carrying you and giving you peace and even joy. I will pray you continue to feel the reality of that.
And that you get lots of naps this week.
You’re so right! God is good! And He is there for us when we need Him, and even when we don’t think we need Him. Isn’t that wonderful?
Love to you and your family! Feel better!
i am so sorry my friend. The Lord has a plan and he is good :) So many prayers for you.
Oh Allison! I just swiped the hubs’ blackberry to catch up on your blog before we got home and I so wish that I could give you a hug right now! I’m sorry you had to go through that today of all days but you are right, God is good. He is faithful. And no matter what is going on, He has and will continue to pull you through! I’m praying for you, mama!
It’s true- He never will give you something that He hasn’t equipped you to handle. I know it first hand. I pray for peace & rest for you this night…
Praying for you. Sending you lot of hugs.
Prayers and hugs, mama! lots and lots of hugs…..
you always amaze me with your attitude and your perspective on life keeps me coming back to read about your family’s life.
:( hoping it was just your period returning. i just got mine back yesterday, and i have been feeling horrible all day long. not on the floor painful, but definitely worse than normal periods. so, hopefully you are just going through the same thing! praying for you!
hugs to ye. many, many REALLY big hugs.
you are lovely and wonderful! again, congrats on a whole year of motherhood and on your sweet boy turning one.
LOVE YOU!!!
xoxoxoxo.
I’m so sorry you had such a difficult day. ::hugs::
Your in my thoughts and my praying.. Santification is rough!
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
I have just started reading your blog and have been so so encouraged.
I am 21, met my husband at 17 married him at 20 and will (hopefully) give birth to our first baby at 22.
You are just one year ahead of me in all these things! ;)
What has encouraged me the most has been your evident commitment to our loving God and your understanding that He is good.
Im so sorry for the confusing hurt you must be going through but it is awesome to know that you know you are being so looked after and that you can praise him in the midst of all this.
Praise God for your little one who has just turned one. He is so beautiful.
I look forward to keeping on reading your blog.
What a hard thing to endure. I have been there and done that and it was the Lord who carried me through, He is good.
you are in my prayers, Allison. you are right though – God is good. I pray he will give you another baby soon.
*hugs* and lots of love your way. you’re in my prayers.
Lots of hugs, prayers, and love. Why is growing up so hard? But, what a mighty and good God we serve. He knew the timing and circumstances long before it was ever a thought in your mind. His eye is on the sparrow and it is most definitely watching over and loving you and your family. Rest and find your renew in him this week.
Sounds like you have got the exact right perspective. And the courage and strength of a mom. :)
Be blessed-
Amanda
Thinking of you.
& thankful for you.
Lots of hugs, lots of positive thoughts and lots of prayers for you & your family.
I’m so sorry!! :( Know that I’m sending you lots of hugs and prayers!! :)
ps Did I ever tell you how I love/am thankful for this blog(and I’m not even a mom yet!)?
♥
allison,i am so sorry. i always find so much inspiration from you & to see you even stay positive in the face of this amazes me. i will be praying for you friend!