I would like to be pregnant right now.
But my cycle isn’t back.
Well, I thought it was back? Maybe? I don’t know, you don’t need the details, but suffice it to say I had reason to be confused and as more time passes it’s looking like it’s not in fact back (and that is enough about that).
With OBaby we felt ready to try, we tried, and we got pregnant. Those events were all on a 4 week time line. But right now? This? I think they call this the waiting game.
I’ve never played the waiting game before, and frankly, it doesn’t feel like a game. It feels like watching the calendar and doing the +9 months math and praying that this is the month it comes back. It feels like knowing I should trust God and His perfect timing but deep down wanting His timing to just fit my timing, ok?
It feels like I have been lifted out of the darkness that is postpartum depression, that I have seen the light and beauty of motherhood, and that I want more of it. I want to have the feeling of not being alone in my body. I want more of these wonderful moments as a family. I want to see DanO holding our newborn baby again. I want to see OBaby as a big brother.
It feels like we came to a decision on what was once a daunting thing to consider but then it turned out we were wrong to think it was our decision at all.
It feels like impatience.
And I know. I know that this is not that. This is not longing and trying and praying and hoping and fearing for months and years and decades on end. I am grateful that by grace I have not known that struggle. But that does not negate the spiritual tug-of-war going on in my own mind and heart over this matter.
If I’m really being honest with myself, I am thankful that I cannot be the one to choose. This motherhood thing is big. God knows just how big it is. He knows me and what I am capable of more than even I do. I trust that. I wish it were different, but I am happy to lean on the Truth that His ways are better than my ways.
What peace that gives me, even as I count forward the months and yearn.
::sigh::
Oh, this is so relevant. I know that longing…only from a different perspective. Thank you for writing about the peace you can have in the midst.
oh boy do i know how you feel. :) We have been in the same boat for months! Then it magically came back and we have just been trusting the Lord. Only He knows what He wants for you. I know sometimes we want to be in controls sooo badly … but remember, good things come to those who wait. And perfect things come in the Lord’s plan. :)
When I got pregnant with Luke, it was an instant thing. Stopped taking birth control in April, pregnant in May. With Tommy, I stopped taking birth control in June… and I didn’t get pregnant until October. It was hard, especially because I expected it to happen right away (my cycle had been back for two years). I kept reminding myself, though, that when the time was right, we’d be given the baby that was right for us. And we were. I can’t imagine if I HAD gotten pregnant right away, because maybe I wouldn’t have Tommy.
Isn’t God’s timing incredible? What an honest post!
right there with you! i want another one right now, but it really doesn’t make any sense. i know it’ll happen in His timing though. i just wonder when that’ll be. :/ *hugs*
I am right there with you. Just a few months ago I was thinking we might be one and done, and now I’m looking at calendars and calculating and planning…. Now that my head is clear I look at my son and think about how much fun he is and how I can’t wait for the next one. For us, financial considerations are a huge factor – I struggle with wanting to be responsible but also thinking I’m trying to be too in charge of it all.
its been a long time since 9th grade bio, but remember, you can be preg even if your cycle isnt back. cause you O (get it, O?) before you get your period… just wishful thinking for you!
Really beautiful – It takes a lot to give our plans over to God, but once we do that, isn’t it so freeing? My DanO (I feel a connection to your blog because I have a DanO and we called our then unnamed little baby in my belly BabyO) is being transfered to a place that I do not want to move, and it is heartbreaking for me – until I let God take control and trust Him.
I pray that God will bless you with another little OBaby soon! :)
I love this post. God’s timing is always what is right for us, even when we think differently. After our oldest turned 1 (he is now 4) I desperately wanted another baby. We tried for a year and finally got pregnant. I miscarried at 12 weeks and was devastated. I was so mad at everyone and everything. I prayed everyday for God to bless us with another child when the time was right. I got pregnant the next month. God is Great! He knew exactly what I needed to pull me out of the darkness. Cole is now 1 and truly a blessing. X0X0
Waiting is hard. Praying for peace and joy in the wait, my friend.
Your timing of this post is perfect! Thank you for your heart felt words. I have three kids and we thougt that was good, but lately for the last 5 months it’s been on my heart to have one more. Crazy because so many times I ask myself why? Not that I don’t love my kids, but sometimes it’s hard being a mom. So I ask myself can I handle this? Does God believe I can handle the responsibility of another? Does he trust me to raise him/her to love Him? When the day is over He speaks to me and I hear Him say “Trust Me and I will provide”. So we have been trying for 2 months now yet nothing has happened, which with all my kids it was soon. So do I feel impatient, absolutely! Nervous too!! Thank you again for your post and I pray that God will bless you while you put your trust in Him.
Oh, I love your honesty. I love that God has given you that longing and lifted you from the darkness. With my son, I stopped breastfeeding altogether at 9 mo. and my cycle didn’t come back until 12 mo.! I thought something was wrong with me! But as you said, God knows the best timing for you. I’ve been longing for #2 lately, and am waiting for the hubs to be on board. :) I know that feeling of counting forward 9 months, or counting how far apart #2 will be from #1. Thank you for a beautiful reminder that God knows me better than I do. You have an incredible way with words… I love this image so much: “I want to have the feeling of not being alone in my body.”
I have so much to say about this, only because it relates so much in my life. Of course, I don’t think my miscarriage last year was God’s way of “taking” something from me. BUT, in light of the events of this past year (past 2 months??!!), I think He knew perfectly well that we NEED a baby soon. We NEED this little bundle of joy and light and life to come swooping in to give us happiness and remind us that Life Is Good.
I will never know what it would have been like to have my first baby in February, but this baby coming in August? Man, O Man. WE. CANNOT. WAIT. TO. MEET. HER.
I have to admit that I recently started to read your blog just about every day and I think this is only the first or second time I’ve commented, but I feel compelled to do so on this post. Your trust and faith is amazing, given what you’ve experienced with PPD and the fact that you want another child knowing PPD could be in the picture is something awesome. You know how to handle it and you clearly have the support of family, friends and bloggy people, too. I wish you luck and continued hope in your journey!!
I trust fully in God to give you your next baby when it is time. Just remember, you are JUST coming out of your ppd. It is a great ‘high’ and can really color your emotions. I speak from experience :) Don’t be afraid to give yourself some breathing room and just ‘be’ for another month or so before really trying. The new hormones of a pregnancy on top of those lovely ppd hormones can play havoc on your system. And again, I speak from experiece. I’d hate to see you go to that dark place. Trust in God, but be sure you are listening to Him fully.
After 9 years of infertility, I def. Know that longing well. And it sucks no matter what your situation is. I would say cling to the knowledge that all your parts work…it happened once and can happen again. Also be open to other ways of expanding your family as well. My boys are adopted but you would never know as they look just like their daddy! Thanks so much being so honest and sharing your heart with all of us…means more than we can say. Hang in there sweets.
You could just go ahead and start trying? Sometimes it works like that even before your cycles are regular again. Probably the weaning is making it a little more sporadic. . .
I have a girlfriend who tried for 6 years to get pregnant, then they were given the opportunity to adopt with 4 weeks notice. At the baby’s month check up, they realized she was pregnant after all those years of waiting. I just thought it was such an amazing story of God’s perfect time for his perfect plan… Hang in there, everything will happen in his perfect time.
“I am thankful that I cannot be the one to choose.”
Powerful words, and ones that I wholeheartedly relate to – even though I’m struggling on the other side of this. My cycle came back at 6 months post (and I breastfed till he was 14 months – so much for that nice break from the monthly visitor that breastfeeding supposedly brings!) and I’ve been terrified of getting pregnant ever since. Eventually we want more children, but the thought of being pregnant/having another baby right now makes me cringe – and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
Isn’t it funny how we can be on opposite sides of the spectrum and yet still be in the same place? Your words remind me that God’s timing is perfect, even if I don’t “feel” ready. Thank you for sharing this.
It will happen…just trust and pray and know HE knows what He is doing. I can’t lie though – I would LOVE me some O2babies!
I am in the exact same place, not quite a regular cycle yet and all. It’s hard, but He does know what’s up.
Missing punctuation doesn’t necessarily lead to negative pregnancy tests. Just sayin’. I’ve got at least one pee-stick around here that suggests “oh was my cycle back or was that a fluke?” is all you need to start dusting off that bouncy seat in the attic. I hope you get what you’re praying for.
Sounds like your faith will carry you through this understandable time of wondering and wanting. It’s hard though, when you want something, and it is a good thing to want, and you have to wait and trust and “be still” amidst the tempest of longing in your heart.
i know this feeling well! it’s hard to wait . the unknown is very hard. but, you are right to trust in God. he knows when the time will be right for you and everything will fall in to place as it should.
we are still unsure of what our future holds as far as having more kids. i know we want to wait at least another. i know i will trust God and follow my heart.
O, i can’t wait to see Obaby as a big brother! you would have to label your posts with a cuteness overload warning!
So, this is the first time since my 1st baby that I have actually been trying to get pregnant and I am a wreck. I had my first period since March 2002 in January. Yep, I had 3 more pregnancies with no period. I had implantation bleeding which I thought was a period and two weeks later was sick to my stomach. That is how I knew with Seth, Amelia and Libby. Wild huh?
It was so much easier then to say it was in God’s hands because I had no idea if I was fertile. Now that I know when I should be fertile, it is so much harder to trust Him.
But you are right, it is all about letting go and letting God and trusting Him completely.
Love you so very much friend.
I am sending you lots of baby dust and prayers. I hope you get another obaby soon! I would love to have another one, I have a 3 year old, almost 2 year old, and a 4 months old. I am crazy right? Unfortunately my husband does not want anymore, at least not anytime soon.
I had that feeling too, of want a baby but (in my case) not being able to afford it. But as the hymn goes “he will make a way, where there seems to be no way, he works in ways we cannot see..” and for us, God gave us all we could have asked for. We had our baby (we were not trying) and my husband got a new job and everything fell into place. Just pray. He has a way of answering out prayers in some form, even if we dont like the answer. Plus you and your husband TTC would make for great reading material lol
Waiting is definitely hard. I’m with ya on that. My cycle returned when Hannah was 10 months old. We decided to start trying for #3 like 3 months ago. She’s 21 months and still nothing.
It’s easy to get disappointed and frustrated … but that’s not helping anything. So I look to Him, trust His timing, and just wait. And have fun trying ;-)
I do believe God’s timing is best but you’re right, that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to wait. Thinking of you…
p.s. So when you do have another will Obaby become Oboy?? ;-)
I’m going to be bossy and play a “big sister” role and say: stop counting. Don’t count ahead 9 months or add time to OBaby’s age to think about spacing or spend too much time waiting for something to come back that will mostly likely come back when your body is ready. All of that? Is a thief. We have today. Right now. And today, right now, you are mommy to a delightful yummy almost-1-year-old. Don’t miss now agonizing over then.
(This is a talk I give myself just about everyday, fyi. Well not the part about the 1yo, but the part about not missing NOW worring about then.)
i would kind of want to be pregnant again but im afraid i will miss out on little details of livs life. because i will be busy being pregnant. and then busy with a newborn. i dont want to miss anything.
I love your honesty. If I’m being really honest with myself, I’m having a hard time with the whole “All on His time” thing. I’ve been writing a post in my head lately about the whole “blessed” thing. I completely feel that children are a blessing… but on the other hand when people with a lot of children or a lot of money or a lot of whatever say, “I’m so blessed,” it kind of torques me off. Like, what, that means that I’m NOT blessed since I haven’t been able to have a baby? That means that someone living paycheck to paycheck is LESS blessed than someone who makes a ton of money? I’m still processing my feelings and opinions about it all, it’s still ruminating in my heart and mind. I do know that I *am* blessed, and I do know that I *want* to be blessed in other ways. These things I know for sure.
what you said just hit home. I am on an upward swing from my PPD too and I all of a sudden caught the baby bug–this freaked my husband RIGHT out, but I realized how great mommyhood is and all of a sudden I wanted another go at it. I want that newborn and I want to be WHOLE this time. I want the greatness of Eddie being a big brother. I want to be able to appreciate my hubby with a newborn instead of running away to cry while he is dad. But I am scared. Scared I will fall apart all over again. But maybe the risk is worth it? Yes…I have to believe it is.