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when talking about the marriage bed

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I have this group of friends. They are some of the craziest, most amazing women I have ever met via the interwebs (although we have now all met in person). They are sassy and adventurous; they are all in differing places in life, but they all love Jesus. And there’s something else special about them.

Have you ever been in a conversation with (other) women about sex? Is it just me, or is the tone more often than not a total downer? I feel like never once had I overheard or been part of a conversation like this without a general consensus being alluded to: us women could do without it. It’s almost as though we pretend to be above all that. Our silly husbands still have carnal desires, but us wives? We are further evolved. Jabs and underhanded comments are made about frequency and husbands’ “needs”. It is not a pretty picture and it is not edifying.

But these women I was telling you about? They are the fresh wind of the Holy Spirit, even on this topic. Weird, you might think, that friends would be vulnerable about this with each other, but I don’t really think that it is. If I’m guilty of holding flippant conversations joking about the marriage bed, why shouldn’t I be regularly talking about it with those who would be encouraging and honest instead of bitter and stereotype perpetuating?

And so we do. These women, we encourage each other. We talk about how life gets in the way, about the hurdles (O, man. Having babies: If ever married sex had a foe it were you. #irony) and yea, we talk about our strategies to avoid the hurdles. We brag. You hear that? We brag when things are going well. We also blush a lot. But it is so worth it.

No, this isn’t the only thing we talk about (wouldn’t that be a weird friendship?) but it is an open conversation and I am so thankful for their perspective. They are the sisters I never had and their refreshing attitude is something I would wish for all women if not to have for themselves (yet), to have a sister friend who can speak it to them.

25 Responses to “when talking about the marriage bed”

  1. LoveFeast Table

    Amen sister!! It is refreshing in a healthy, God glorifying way to be able to openly talk about a gift meant for enjoying! We women were meant to enjoy it too, not just the men. ..good reminder. ~Kristin

    Reply
  2. Amanda

    I think it’s hilarious that this was included in conversation the first time we met in person. :) I love that my married friends honor the beauty and importance of sex!

    Reply
  3. Megan at SortaCrunchy

    It is so, so true that women do tend to have lots of downer conversations about sex. I can’t think of a better word than the one you used – it is so REFRESHING to have a group of friends cheerleading for your sex life! And to be bold and enthusiastic about it! What a blessing, truly, a gift of grace that has been. Love.

    Reply
  4. Beth Anne

    I love this. LOVE THIS.

    Because I think sex is awesome & I think my hot husband is a stud in bed & sometimes, I like to talk about what a stud he is in bed & how he makes me feel like I’m pretty much awesome at the martial thing, too. Sure, there are seasons where it feels like their are more hurdles & I’m less interested in the act, not less interested in him. But that’s ME changing, not his carnal desires.

    When I do write about it, I feel like people look at me like I’m either a) making it up or b) bragging.

    But why not brag? Why not enjoy it? Why not read 50 Shades of Grey until 1am & then wake up your man for a wee romp in the sack?

    oh…wait…erm…

    Reply
  5. Christa

    I had a sister-in-law that called it her “marital duty”! I agree with Beth that I think my husband is hot and love our relations! I have a friend that always calls it “making love” and they are jr. high sweethearts and it is so sweet. Thank you for talking about it as so many women have all these babies but act like they are celibate. I have few friends that will openly discuss this and I think it is too bad to joke about it and not make it more real.

    Reply
  6. Dawn S

    Amen! I so need this discussion with Chrisitian married sisterly friends. I love my husband; I love how when I’m not in te mood & do it anyway for him, God surprises us with super-intimate connection; I love that he wants me, even after 2 babies & emergency c-section scar & weight &…&…&…!!!

    Brag about our handsome men God has given us & encourage one another in a BIBLICAL command in marriage that is oh so fun, too! ;-)

    Reply
  7. Karey

    AMEN!!! I love this. I loathe conversations that are “man” or “husband” bashing *in any way* – it is NOT what the Lord calls us to do as women and wives…especially in “in the bedroom” conversations (which should be tasteful to say the least in any conversation). We are called to LIFT UP our husbands and be supportive…in our words and deeds – even when they can’t hear or see us. I am not ashamed (or trying to be prideful either) to say that I do not speak badly of my husband to anyone. At all. I love him (even when we’re in a so called “disconnected” difficult time) and I want my conversations to reflect the respect that I have for him (and also just because I personally think he’s pretty awesome). :)

    All that to say, I totally agree! Haha!

    Reply
  8. Rachel @ The House of Burks

    I am actually flattered that my husband has “carnal desires” so frequently. It means he is still attracted to me after two babies and many extra pounds, which I appreciate and want to reward. :) I love having a healthy sex life and aim to keep the fires burning!

    Reply
  9. Arianne

    Hooray to this post! Imagine if this was talked about openly, honestly and in an encouraging way in more Christian women circles? It’s so life giving. I love encouraging you and being encouraged back. xoxo

    Reply
  10. Megan (FriedOkra)

    Way to be somebody’s SOLUTION! :) Love it! Our conversations have been really edifying and uplifting to me as well, as I have been very guilty of viewing sex through the “SERIOUSLY!?” lens since my kids were born. I have to tell you, I’ve learned so much and I have to say that as much as I’ve resented the implication in the past, it really can be as easy as a woman changing your own perspective.

    Reply
  11. Stephanie

    heck yes!! Sex is a part of any healthy relationship. It is intimacy. my husband and I are proud that we have a very healthy sex life (no babies yet but one on the way). I agree that it’s a downer when women talk negatively about their sex lives. I also *really* don’t feel good hearing about women witholding intimacy in anger or as a punishment, or even motivation to get your husband to do something for you. Ick. Sex is a physical expression of love, not a tool for manipulation.

    Great post!!!

    Reply
  12. Elaine

    I have a group of girlfriends, we get together once a month and we talk about it, heck yeah we do. We may have even had a special kinda party or two with “special” gifts and products *if you know what i mean…* ;-) Love that you have friends that you talk openly about s.e.x. with too!!

    Reply
  13. Martha

    I find that most books for Christian women (at least the single ones) seem to also take the position that Christian women have no sexual desire or drive. As a young woman trying to stay pure and wait until marriage who DOES, it was very frustrating for me that I could find zero guidance. I’m glad that, six months away from my wedding, I’m finding a culture of Christian women who want to acknowledge and celebrate God’s gift of intimacy. Here, here!!

    Reply

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