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neck deep in the emotional weeds

I’ve reached that point again.

I always say I’d rather give birth nine times over a nine-month span than be pregnant. This mantra comes and goes from my conscious thought throughout the first two thirds of a pregnancy. Then I hit the third trimester and the momnesia clears.

O, that’s right. I really, really dislike being pregnant.

You may really, really like it. That’s awesome. I really, really like giving birth and people think I’m crazy for that, so no judgment here.

You may really, really wish you were. That’s hard and I’m deeply sorry. I have no words to soften that pain but I will gladly cry with you if you need that.

I recognize those are very real situations for other women, but I do not find that they invalidate my current one.

I still really, really dislike being pregnant.

At this point, I don’t even care that my pelvis is sore and I get kicked in the cervix on the daily. Physical discomfort is par for the course and whining about it was so two pregnancies ago. This is more than that.

I dislike sobbing once or twice everyday with a 50% rate of even knowing what I’m crying for. I dislike that expression on my poor husband’s face when he looks across the room and sees an enigma standing where his wife once was. I dislike being exhausted and grumpy and anxious and constantly on the verge of a meltdown. I dislike misplacing my sense of humor. I dislike having my defenses torn down and my tender places exposed.

I am running out of coping tactics. Ice cream by the half gallon is only cute for so long, and there is not nearly enough room in our budget to sustain the kind of retail therapy I am currently capable of. Baths are great but redundant, and though I’m an extrovert from birth, I’d now rather hide at home than think of words to string together coherently.

I ‘ve lost myself and I can’t find her in these weeds.

Likely because she’s on furlough and will be back in 10 weeks, give or take.

33 Responses to “neck deep in the emotional weeds”

  1. MommaBird

    I am right there with you!

    I’m tired of being tired just from walking around the house picking things up. I want my body back and being able to do things once again, but this is temporary and the quickest cure is waiting for those last 10 weeks. We can do the count down together!

    Reply
  2. molly

    Girl, I am emotionally spent and I’m barely 15 weeks along! I’ve never been this emotional before during pregnancy. I have been replaced with this awful girl who snaps at a moments notice. Ugh. Not fun.

    But I do appreciate being pregnant, as I’m sure you do, because we know the end result is awesome :)

    Reply
  3. Casey

    I completely hear you lady! 20 weeks into my third pregnancy and man am I looking forward to birth day around Christmas! I love the couple days after the birth where you come out of the fog and it’s like you can see clearly for the first time in months (I mean this figuratively and literally as my eyesight gets much worse during pregnancy!) You walk across the room and don’t want to pass out and it’s liberating! Oh yeah! I can do stuff! I totally forgot! You realize you ARE still attracted to your husband and he finally SMELLS good again instead of nauseating! :) You have been busy busy for so long that your real self took a vacation, she will be back :) And we can’t wait for that day again…. sigh 20 ish weeks or so…..

    Reply
  4. Julie S.

    I love that you say even though you are complaining, it doesn’t invalidate your current one. I am so tired of being the “bad guy” for complaining about aspects of motherhood, only to see “well at least you have kids” comments coming, too. Praying for you in this home stretch of your pregnancy!

    Reply
  5. Sarah P.

    I’m right there with you and completely relate! I’m guessing I’m due right around the same time as you with our 3rd little girl (October 12th. You’ve got to be close to that?). All day long all I think about is how unfair it is to my two sweet kiddos and my amazing husband that they have to live with this woman who has kidnapped their usually optimistic and level headed mom/wife. And to top it all off, I’m an adoption social worker which means I work very closely with couples who have struggled with infertility for years and years and are finally letting go of the dream of pregnancy and turning their sites toward adoption. I see their pain and I feel for them so deeply. And here I sit throwing a pity party for myself because of my pregnancy woes. It feels so selfish. Yet, just like you so eloquently stated, I know that my journey is my journey just like theirs is theirs. I’m allowed to feel this way (and for the record, I’m more thankful than I can say to have this life growing within me. I’m just tired and cranky. and that’s okay)

    Reply
    • AllisonO

      YES THIS: “…how unfair it is to my two sweet kiddos and my amazing husband that they have to live with this woman who has kidnapped their usually optimistic and level headed mom/wife.”

      Reply
  6. leah

    Man, do I hear you on the extrovert part and I LIKED being pregnant. Nothing makes you want to hide in a corner more than the homestretch. The nonstop strangers trying to strike up conversation. MEH.

    Reply
  7. Amanda

    Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. You would think it’d get easier since you’ve had some practice with pregnancy. :) 3/4 of the way there, right?

    Reply
  8. Kelly @ Love Well

    Sweet friend. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do – wave a magic wand, maybe, and make time go faster. Or give you a few days when your normal self returns. I feel like this every first trimester. It’s a hellhole, and there’s no way out but through it.

    Reply
  9. Kassie

    AMEN.
    I wish I liked being pregnant. Clearly, I like the end result and am at first happy about growing a baby! BUT I HATE being exhausted, not feeling well, and being uncomfortable! It’s even harder with two little ones to take care of! Glad it doesn’t last forever and that at some point I can make the choice to not be pregnant ever again, if I chose, which by the way I do! ha ha

    Reply
  10. Hannah

    Thank you for writing this so excellently. I thought you did a great job expressing how HARD these things can be without turning it into a pity party per se. I still remember when I had my own, long-awaited but much-hated pregnancy, people kept saying, “it could be worse.” I have yet to find anyone, in person or in the media, with a pregnancy worse than mine. And even if I did, it doesn’t lessen how horrible mine was for ME.
    About a week after delivery–when I still couldn’t walk well after two major abdominal surgeries and we were trying to care for a preemie–my husband and I were reading for the Bible and I went off on some huge tangent; my husband just stared at me in amazement for a long time and finally said, “You’re back!” For at least 5 months I hadn’t been able to think beyond the agony of my extremely complicated pregnancy. It was so liberating to finally have my brain functioning correctly again, even if my body wasn’t. I’m hoping that makes pregnancies #2 and beyond just a bit easier–knowing that you do, eventually, come back. But I have yet to experience more than one, so I’m just hoping it’s easier, I can’t say it is.
    I would say, “hang in there,” but it feels too much like forcing something happy onto a reality that, frankly, isn’t all that pleasant. “I feel for you” seems more appropriate. Hope you know I think your amazing. And, even if you feel the opposite, you look super cute!

    Reply
  11. Amanda

    Oh, honey. I’m here with ice cream and hugs if you need to sit and cry for no reason. I’m pretty good at that even when I’m not pregnant. ;) I know that feeling of wishing I could have myself back… and feeling bad for my family that I wasn’t myself. It sucks. Know that you are amazing and lovely, and it’s okay that growing a beautiful little girl in your uterus is making you emotional. And know that you can evaluate your emotions and choose to change their course. (Have you read Unglued? Changed my life.) You are SO loved, even when you don’t feel yourself. xoxo

    Reply
  12. Sarah

    I hated being pregnant, too, during both of my pregnancies. I always felt guilty, too, like hating the pregnancy meant I didn’t deserve the glowing life I was bringing into the world or something.

    Reply
  13. tricia

    Oh, mama. I could have written this post in the third trimester of being pregnant with my girl. I really really really did not like being pregnant. I never felt “the glow.” I was moody, irrational, ridiculously emotional, and by the end, a mammoth beast. I’m so short I literally looked like a tea pot that you could tip over. It has been one of the major discussion points in our talks about whether or not to have more kids. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart!

    Reply
  14. Verna

    I LOVE giving birth also! Love it! ;) Pregnancy is challenging for me also. My body holds onto everything I eat. I’ve gained 50+lbs with every pregnancy. It’s not cute. Hang in there!

    Reply
  15. laura @ hollywood housewife

    Oh, friend. I was terrible at being pregnant. Like, awful. I wasn’t so great post-pregnancy either, but that’s an entirely different story.

    I’m glad you’re expressing it, though. When people get silent and stormy, that’s when there’s real concern.

    PS – i’ll share that ice cream with you any time, two people sharing swings it back around to cute.

    Reply
  16. Elaine A.

    Aw sweets, I’m sorry. I was better at being pregnant that birthing if that helps. ;) Hang in there, my friend. hugging you from afar…

    Reply
  17. joanne

    keep your chin up. pregnancy is hard. i am with you in rather giving birth than being pregnant. i just had my baby and while it is sooo worth it, it is sooo hard to be pregnant. as my friend said “pregnancy was not a good look for me” and i agree

    Reply
  18. liz

    I feel like this is totally me at 3 and a half months post partum. I wish I knew the exact ending point for this fog of hormones but I’m looking forward to them clearing.

    Reply
  19. Joanne

    I can so relate to you and this!!! I feel horribly guilty for disliking pregnancy given my YEARS of infertility but seriously- I cannot enjoy it for the life of me. At almost 20 weeks I’m still sick, exhausted, hating food, physically hurting… how does one enjoy that??

    Reply
  20. Jenny

    Today I went for my 35 week check up and had an ultrasound because I keep telling my doctor that I feel HUGE this time around. (Baby number 2). After said ultrasound she tells me I probably developed gastetional diabetes since I took the test – how ironic with your previous post about the tests right?! Oh yay! I still have a month to go until a scheduled c-section and my babe is already close to 7 lbs. Well doesn’t that sound lovely?! No thanks. I felt so defeated and small walking out of the doctors office today. No it does not take away my thankfulness for this babe, nor that the Lord has brought her into our lives. But does it make me want to crinkle into a ball and have a meltdown just as you described. Yes, please! Sign me up for that as that’s what I am only capable of right now.

    If there were an emoticon for these feelings it would looks something like a face in fetal position but then after reading your post it would be a giant high five and the nod of I totally get that. :-)

    Virtual HUG!

    Reply
  21. Emily

    I hope expressing it through your blog helps you somewhat emotionally. I totally agree, for me both times it got tedious, like a slow torture of continuous, emotional roller-coaster ride you can’t get off of. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies, but I just wanted to pop them out and be done! I also hated how the people close to me had to suffer my emotions and only through my lucid moments could I understand what I was putting them through. Lucky for me, they were great and understanding.

    Reply
  22. NIKI

    I completely understand. I am 21 weeks along and trying very hard to not answer the door to all the emotions camped outside my door. The ONLY thing I have found that has helped is worship. Worshiping God. Not even being thankful for this pregnancy but praising God for who He is. It has helped every single time. Big hugs!!!

    Reply
  23. cwaltz

    Alwwwwwwww, I completely get it. It’s hard work growing a human being and some of us don’t do that glowing thing whilst doing it. Iwas one of those people. When I was with my sons I had the prerequisite 3 months of puking followed by 6 months of feeling like I was carrying around a watermelon. With my daughter I never had the good luck to get past nausea. So do not even feel bad about hating pregnancy and being ready to be done with it. Many of us have been there.

    When the kiddo gets here when it gets older remind them that your sacrifice warrants the “good nursing home” when you get older. ;)

    Reply
  24. Danielle

    Reading your blog for the first time and so happy I found it. You are hilarious!!! I’m also pregnant with my third; next week we begin the dreaded 3rd trimester. Oh yeah. Good times ahead, meltdowns and all. ;-)

    Reply
  25. Karie P.

    Ah yes, I often tell people that I’d have a pile of kids if I could just have the babies and not have the pregnancy. My SIL mostly enjoys being pregnant and she has no idea what to do with me and my horrible hips that give out during the second trimester and leave me barely able to move or the waves of emotion that roll over me and take all normalcy with them. It’s nice to read these comments and know that I am not alone. I’m not sure what pregnancy would have looked like if sin hadn’t become part of our world but I have to believe it would have been different! I’m now on the other side. My baby is nearly 9 months (wow!) and due to my inability to be a mother or wife when pregnant we are done. I’m not sad I’ll never be pregnant again but a very small part of me wishes I could just snuggle my very own newborn again. :-) Praying for you.

    Reply

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