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a mother’s heart

I don’t know if I’ve ever openly confessed this, but I have this goal:

to have as many days as possible in a calendar year dedicated to yours truly.

I’m still trying to figure out how to wiggle my way into ‘administrative professionals appreciation day’. I do a lot of administrative-type things for our home, and I can be very professional when needed. Does that count?

This goal is why I bring up my half-birthday (June 5th) unabashedly. It’s kind of sad shameful funny, really, but what can you expect from a) a youngest child and only daughter b) a girl who had to share her birthday month with Christmas (don’t even start me on ‘joint’ presents) or c) me (whose half-birthday is June 5th, by the by)?

So, never having actually seen or held my budding offspring, would I claim this Mother’s Day as a holiday which applies to me?

Abso-freakin’-lutely.

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All kidding aside, I want to share with you that I love this little Nugget. I am honored and so grateful to get to be his mom. Sometimes I just put my hands on my tummy when he’s moving and I will and hope and pray that he can feel me thinking “Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you so much.”

How do you love someone you’ve never met? My love for him comes from two different places.

First, I have already done more for this kiddo and sacrificed more (in very real ways) for his well being than I have for almost anyone else. DanO would be the overall winner in this category (as is warranted in marriage), but Nugget comes in a close second.

After all, I’ve never gained 20lbs for DanO.

I wonder if this is how Christ sees us: beloved because He has given so much to be with us. We were the Lord’s beloved before He gave his life for us, to be sure, but when He sees us, I imagine He also sees our value in light of His Incredible Sacrifice. I’m sure there are theological errors and logical fallacies in that statement that my Wheaton friends can point out, but think about it. When you’ve given more to have something, doesn’t it feel that much more precious to you? This is my Nugget. I would give and am giving anything for him to be safe and healthy – because, and therefore – I love him.

The second way I feel love for this little guy who kicks me and gets hiccups and makes me tired is because I have been entrusted with him. Holy cattle, what an honor.

God, do You really think I’m capable of this?

“Well, no.” God says, “But I don’t call the prepared, I prepare those I call.”

For a reason I’m sure I will never fully understand, the Lord has decided to place Nugget in my care. He is a precious Child of God, a valuable living human being, the result of millions of years of evolution – however you want to think of it – Nugget is amazing, and I get to watch his amazingness unfold for the rest of my life. I even have the invitation to shape and mold that amazingness.

Whoa.

I had a teacher and track coach in high school who always set high expectations of me. He set the bar (or hurdle) high (literally) and then through practice, instruction, and encouragement, he made me feel capable of succeeding, which usually meant that I was. God handing me this life to guard and shape and be a part of feels like life’s biggest expectation, and the fact that He is setting this expectation of little ol’ me feels like life’s biggest compliment.

I love Nugget because he is a reflection of my Heavenly Father’s love for me.

Does this mean that I’m going to rock at this Mommy job of my own accord and therefore have been given Nugget? Noooo way josé. I see God’s love in this because He wants me to rock at this and He thinks that somehow, someway, He can divinely work through me to raise Nugget into the man he is meant to be.

…and the best place to start on that journey is love.

Happy Mother’s Week!

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(Oh, good one Allison! Make it a celebration week and get 6 more days a year. Brilliant!)

One Response to “a mother’s heart”

  1. Seth

    1. You’re shameless…HALF-birthday! pfft!

    2. Your “theologizing” is good in my book. Poignant even!

    This post was beautiful. =)

    3. YOU’RE A MOM!!!!!

    Reply

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