says the voice in my head repeatedly.
I screw up, you guys. I constantly feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, only not in a cute “I’m making this up as I go along” kind of way, but more of a ‘running a 5K on a snowy day with ice patches on the ground IN A BLINDFOLD’ kind of way.
Last night, case in point, I walked into a wall while holding OBaby. In the dark, in a sleepy stupor, but while holding OBaby. My forehead got the brunt of it (hello, goose egg) and as far as we can tell OBaby doesn’t have a scratch on him, but O My Gut-wrencher, how awful do I feel? Completely awful and completely broken. It was a total confidence breaker.
Did I mention that I keep having these dreams about forgetting OBaby somewhere? In last night’s dream I left him in the car unlocked and someone came and took him to an orphanage. I was not allowed to have him back. The worst dream by far though, was the one in which I dropped him.
Plus we’ve now entered the whiny stage. DanO witnessed it himself this weekend. OBaby just whines. It doesn’t turn into crying, and it doesn’t stop when you try, you know… EVERYTHING. You could stand on your head and spin plates with your toes and he wouldn’t care. ::whine, whine, whine::
In other words, if I’m not actually doing something wrong (walking into walls), I’m dreaming about it or feeling like I am (whining. constant whining).
And it’s at times like these that I wonder if I’m not cut out for this yet. Maybe I was supposed to wait until that magical number 25 when I would suddenly be mature enough to handle a child? Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so out of control? 30? Is that when people are ready for kids?
I mean, there are times. There are some really, really good times. Like when me simply looking at him will make him giggle. O, I live for those times.
Can you hear that? That giggle? It is the only sound that keeps me going when I feel like this; young and unsure.
I know what you mean about feeling too young. I can’t wait to turn 24 next month.
We love you and are praying for you and the fam as always. I know you are a great mom. When I told you if any one should be a mother it is you? Yeah I meant that and still do. All those beautiful qualities that are just so Allison, well they are just so Allison as a mommy too. I feel it and see it when I see you with your son and read about your adventures. You are so mature for your age and still so happy and kind and young at heart, that is exactly how you wanted to be as a mother and exactly how you are:) Embrace it and own it. You are an amazing person and an amazing mother.
There is no perfect age…no perfect space in time…because none of us is perfect or can reach perfection. I’m a mother of 3 now, and with the craziness that is my life, when the baby is quiet in the van–I wonder if I’ve actually forgotten her for a moment–luckily, so far, I haven’t. But I’m not counting it out. I HAVE banged my children’s heads into walls as I turned a corner or entered a doorway. It happens, and they survive. Just live for the giggle moments and create them as much as possible, and you’ll get through!
I think it’s part of motherhood — feeling unsure. I’m 35 with a 4-year-old and 10 month old and second-guess myself all day long, no matter how often I tell myself to stop, that it’s ridiculous and unproductive.
I once tripped and fell out our doorwall while holding my little guy. We both ended up with minor scrapes. And I used to have the lost my baby dream all the time. Why do we do it to ourselves? Parenting is the hardest job. It makes obvious all of our weaknesses I think. Thankfully God is their perfect father. I spend probably way too much time worrying about being the perfect mom, rather than dwelling on our perfect, all-sufficient Father.
Btw, Allison, all signs point to “You’re a FABULOUS mom” and OBaby is very blessed to have such wonderful parents!
I second all the above comments! Nobody is expecting perfection from you guys and all signs are pointing to the fact that Micah is SO, SO, SO fortunate. He’s got a better start in the world than a lot of little ones.
BTW- my dad was asking about you and the family the other day, he was wondering how you’re feeling about being a mommy because he thought that you would be really wonderful at it. :) Aw, dad!! Isn’t that sweet? I exuberantly affirmed his hunch!
Age is so immaterial when it comes to motherhood, really. I mean, 13 is too young. But 23? Nah. It’s not too young. It’s just different than motherhood at 30 or 40, not necessarily worse or better. Each age offers it’s own pros and cons for parenting.
I think you’re a great, Mom. Don’t doubt yourself so much. (Easier said than done, I know.) God chose your for OBaby’s Mom. That’s not a mistake. You are equipped, even when you don’t feel like it.
Allison, you don’t know me, but I love to read your blog! I am a mother of three myself at the age of 32. 4,2, and 6 months. From reading your blog-I can tell you are an AWESOME mother! You seem very mature and have a good outlook on life! And having faith is everything! There are days when I ask myself if I made the right choice too, if I should have had three kids… or if I am able to handle three kids, and trust me there are days where I don’t think I can do it! I think every mom has those days. But like other readers have said, just enjoy each and every smile/giggle/stage, cause they grow up way to fast!
Keep up the great posts, I love to read them!!
I don’t know this for sure, but I think a lot of first-time moms experience the feeling of “newness” you’re experiencing. It must still be hard to deal with, but you’re not alone.
I’m new to your blog, but I absolutely love it! I’m 26 with a 6 week old, and I don’t feel old enough some times. Being a mother is hard. I’ve had moments when I second guess everything I’m doing, but like you said, it’s worth it for a smile. From everything you say in your posts, I believe you are an awesome mother. Your love for your son really shins through. Don’t give up on yourself :)
Oh Allison, I’m not a mother yet, but you keep expressing things EXACTLY the way I picture myself as a mom! I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels unprepared and young to be thinking about the responsibilities of parenthood. When I actually go through the new mom thing and run into walls, I’m going to remember these posts and hopefully feel a little less freaked out!
I’m so glad that you have such a great blog-following as a support – I 100% agree with everyone here that you are doing a fantastic job :-) PS: Favorite OBaby picture yet!
O’girl dont worry. I know every Mom has their moment. I am 29 and a Mom to a 7 and 9 year old. I had my kids younger than you had O’Baby and they are both doing well. Yes I may make mistakes but EVERY parent does and will continue to. There is no handbook telling us how to raise children, there is no right age. People do things the way they want to that is why when I go to my kids classes I see Moms of all ages. Dont ever think you did something wrong as it is all in God’s plan. Keep up the good work.