This is the first day of the rest of my life, I told myself as I stepped cautiously down the stairs I couldn’t see through my tears. This is the beginning.
Her office had been so calm and comfortable. It even smelled safe. I sat on the couch and said things to her I had never uttered before in my life, but it felt right. It was time for someone to know.
She nodded her head when I described the emotions. Raw, frightening emotions. She handed me tissues. The flood gates of words and tears opened.
…until I just can’t stand to hear the crying anymore. I turn the volume up on the car radio so loud that it hurts even my ears. Anything to make the sound go away.
…my blood pressure and heart rate literally skyrocket. It’s like a trigger, a switch that gets flipped at the very sound of it.
…so I slammed the door to his room, turned the fan on in the house, put in my ear plugs and turned the TV volume up to 37. I had to make it go away.
…so much so that I don’t even feel like myself. It’s not even me hiding under those pillows. I am blinded and can’t see the world around me.
…no one told me about this part. The weepy and the too sad to get out of bed stuff, sure, but this? This fear? I must be the only one experiencing this.
…Can you make this stop? I can’t make it stop. I have tried. For nine difficult and dark months I have tried to do it on my own, to bring myself back, but I can’t. And it’s time.
‘Yes,’ She said calmly. ‘We can make it stop. We will fix this. You are not alone and we will make you feel like yourself again. We will. It won’t be instant and it will be hard, but we will get you back with God’s help.’
And so we are. We being my husband, my therapist, my doctor and above all, my God. We are fixing it, and it’s about time.
“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30
I apologize to those of you for whom this feels odd to hear about for the first time from my blog. It’s just that I didn’t really know how to call you and tell you, as if it were an announcement to make. Thank you for understanding.
I will surely tell you more about my struggle, but for now I just needed to tell you, period.