69

in which I tell you without saying the words

This is the first day of the rest of my life, I told myself as I stepped cautiously down the stairs I couldn’t see through my tears. This is the beginning.

.

Her office had been so calm and comfortable. It even smelled safe. I sat on the couch and said things to her I had never uttered before in my life, but it felt right. It was time for someone to know.

She nodded her head when I described the emotions. Raw, frightening emotions. She handed me tissues. The flood gates of words and tears opened.

.

…until I just can’t stand to hear the crying anymore. I turn the volume up on the car radio so loud that it hurts even my ears. Anything to make the sound go away.

…my blood pressure and heart rate literally skyrocket. It’s like a trigger, a switch that gets flipped at the very sound of it.

…so I slammed the door to his room, turned the fan on in the house, put in my ear plugs and turned the TV volume up to 37. I had to make it go away.

…so much so that I don’t even feel like myself. It’s not even me hiding under those pillows. I am blinded and can’t see the world around me.

…no one told me about this part. The weepy and the too sad to get out of bed stuff, sure, but this? This fear? I must be the only one experiencing this.

…Can you make this stop? I can’t make it stop. I have tried. For nine difficult and dark months I have tried to do it on my own, to bring myself back, but I can’t. And it’s time.

.

‘Yes,’ She said calmly. ‘We can make it stop. We will fix this. You are not alone and we will make you feel like yourself again. We will. It won’t be instant and it will be hard, but we will get you back with God’s help.’

And so we are. We being my husband, my therapist, my doctor and above all, my God. We are fixing it, and it’s about time.

.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30
~~~~~~

I apologize to those of you for whom this feels odd to hear about for the first time from my blog. It’s just that I didn’t really know how to call you and tell you, as if it were an announcement to make. Thank you for understanding.

I will surely tell you more about my struggle, but for now I just needed to tell you, period.

69 Responses to “in which I tell you without saying the words”

  1. Mae

    I love you. It will get better. You’re doing the right things and you’re a good wife and mother.

    Reply
  2. thenextmartha

    There are many people who have been there/are there and are here for you when you need them. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  3. Jen, the recovering procrastinator

    Good for you for getting the help you need. I never would have guessed you were struggling like this. I am thinking about seeing someone as well. And my issues are more like what you are describing than the weepy, stay in bed all day kind.

    Reply
  4. Deb

    Admitting that we are weak is the hardest thing to do. Thanks for your courage. You are so, SO not alone in this.

    Reply
  5. Katherine

    Do you know what that (what may have seemed small) step you took means? It means that you are an honest woman, a strong woman, a good mother and wife. That took such courage. Good for you. I hope you find comfort in your faith that there will be brighter days ahead and you are already on a better path with the help you have seeked out. There are many resources and women that are more than willing to listen and help you. Take care.

    Love,
    Katherine

    Reply
  6. Erin

    So proud of you for getting help, telling others and sharing your struggle. God is the healer of all and I’m praying for you!

    Reply
  7. Kelly @ Love Well

    O my friend. I continue to be amazed at your honesty and vulnerability and (dare I say it) faith.

    You are beautiful, Allison. And even though you might not always feel like it, you are a wonderful mother.

    Praying always….

    Reply
  8. Tiffany

    I love you! Seeing a therapist was the best move I ever made! Even if it is PTS and not PPD, it changed the way I was mothering. You have so many women who loVe you and who have or are going through this as well…reach out to them and don’t go through this alone, just you and DanO. Prayers for you and your family! XoXo

    Reply
  9. Joanna

    Thank you for having the courage to reach out for help and share. We are all here for you on your journey in any way that you need us and totally on your terms.

    big hugs to you momma!!

    xoxo
    Joanna (&Maddie)

    Reply
  10. Nish

    I’m so sorry you’re battling this. I can, with the utmost faith & experience, say that it’s a battle that CAN be won… I’m walking, breathing, living proof of it. I know we’ve only had the pleasure of meeting once in real life, but if you ever want to talk through it, I’m more than happy to. It helped me a ton to have someone in my corner who dealt with the same thing & also beat it. Many hugs & prayers to you from Oregon. Loves!

    Reply
  11. Ryley

    WOW.. I just had no idea. And I will admit. There have times I have been bawling so hard I can’t even see the computer screen, so deep in PPD and think “Why can’t I be more like Allison.” Honestly, I’ve thought it.
    It’s sobering to know you are with me. Sitting right beside me, feeling the same things.
    I am sorry.. I am so proud you are getting help. I need it, badly. Still do. I’m pulling out. But right when i think I am I get sucked down. Maybe only for a day or a few hours, but it’s always there. We can do this…
    Love you! :)

    Reply
  12. Melissa

    Hugs, love and prayers.

    I have lived through that hell, it was horrible and dark and scary and not at all what I expected motherhood to be. I cam out on the other-side and you will to. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Reply
  13. Jenny

    So many of us have been there Allison. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it, but so glad you’ve gotten the help and support you need. I’m going on four years medicated, my first year without therapy, and with baby three just hit another rough patch. Luckily now, like you, I have a team assembled to step in ASAP and pick me up before it gets bad. God makes a way where there seems to be no way, and I know His ways for you are GOOD. :) Hang in there sweetie! You’re doing awesome!

    Reply
  14. Elizabeth

    hugs, Allison. I’m glad you’re getting help. you are a wonderful mother and I hope that therapy helps you realize that! :)

    Reply
  15. Brittany

    sounds like you have a good therapist, and i know you have a wonderful support system. remember that taking good care of your self helps you to be the best mom that you can be.

    Reply
  16. Amber

    Oh Allison, I’m glad you’re getting help and you had the courage to tell us all. I’ll be praying for you.

    Reply
  17. Melissa

    Allison, your humility and honesty are the best way to begin. Way to be brave and enter in. God is with you and He is holding you so close. He is there in the darkness, the fear, the confusion, the pain, the uncertainty, the failure, the ache. God is light. God is grace. God is love. God is truth. God is life. He WILL carry you through this time and give you the strength to endure. May God bless you in the depths of your heart and may you continue to trust Him in this journey. Praying for you and your family.

    Reply
  18. Philip

    I can’t tell you anything that the others haven’t already. Probably even less since I am a guy and have not been through it. I can say that there is hope and even healing. My wife and I worked through almost 5 years of her chronic clinical depression. We found was to relieve stress and avoid triggers. Now, we have three amazing kids and working to adopt a fourth. She has been med free for over 4 years and pretty much episode free as well. It takes hard work, but with God’s grace, strength, and healing it is possible.

    I hope you and DanO can find some regular time together. I strong relationship with you spouse is a tremendous help during depression. This I know from experience. You will make it through and be stronger and wiser for it. We will be praying!

    Reply
  19. Melissa

    I found you from Gussy…and I am a Twin Cities girl too! I am thinking about you and praying for you. Thank you for being so honest and open about what you are going through. I think that it is amazing you are sharing it…praying for you.

    Reply
  20. Leslie Davison

    I’m sorry for your pain. You will get through this and you will be stronger because of it. You will help others, you are helping others. You are not alone. I will be praying for you. I’m so glad you are letting others help you. You will feel better.

    Reply
  21. Lisa

    You’re not alone. I have written a similar post for my blog but always erase it – it’s so hard to open up. I hope this helps you with healing and moving forward :)

    Reply
  22. Kaycee

    What courage you show in sharing this. I hope things improve with the help, we have all been there at some point and when it is too much to handle it’s time to get help. Good for you for recognizing that. Best wishes for you.

    Reply
  23. Hananh

    You are a better, stronger mother and woman for having admitted that it’s not easy. You, your faith, your son, and your husband will be stronger for you making it through this. Praying for you.

    Reply
  24. Sidnie

    My youngest is 19 months old.
    I’m just now realizing that something is wrong. I can’t make the crying stop…theirs or mine.
    I can’t function to get the house clean, because of them. or me. or all of it.
    I went for help a month or so ago, and haven’t been back. I thought things were better. And well, they’re not.
    It’s time for me to make them better, for all of us.

    You are strong momma. You are beautiful and capable. And this life… this motherhood stuff? It’s not easy. But it is rewarding, and it is worth it. Keep getting help. Keep talking. Keep the faith.
    Praying for you.

    Reply
  25. Elena

    Allison–

    {{hug}} I remember those moments of fear and despair. The love would make me ache and then some silly little thing would throw me off. I’m glad you’re getting help.

    I think that over time, all will improve. You’ll find it hard to believe that you were ever in that place. And OBaby will love you through and for all of it.

    Prayers for you. And lots of love.

    Reply
  26. Jennifer

    Allison…I don’t think I’ve commented yet! (I must do it in my head all of the time!) I’ve read for a month or so and so very much enjoy you.
    THANK you for being so honest! You’ll be helping alot of people, honey, believe you me! God *is* good, and He is bigger than this. We just flat out need help in this sin-filled world, and you are taking such a good first step. Our hormones go so positively haywire with pregnancy and children and sometimes we just flat-out need help getting back on track; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I will be praying for you!

    Reply
  27. Em

    I really enjoy reading your blog. This may sound odd, but ‘Thank you’ for this. Your honesty, and love, and faith will help you – and all of us who read your blog and have similar experiences and emotions.

    You are not alone.

    Reply
  28. Anna B

    Allison,
    I don’t think there is anything to say that these wonderful readers haven’t already shared with you. But let me be another voice in the chorus, encouraging, praying and reminding you that you are a wonderful mother. Perfect? Never. But we don’t have to be. That’s too big of a job for anyone.
    We are always here, and know what parenting trial are like. Feel free to talk anytime. Seriously.

    And kiss those sweet baby cheeks for me :)
    Love love,
    Anna

    Reply
  29. Megan

    Allison, you are not alone in this. Every single time we get in the car my daughter cries. And she cries the entire time unless I sing to her. She hates being in her carseat and so unless I really, really have to go somewhere and there is nobody that I can leave her with, I just don’t go. It is such a huge change from the way that my life used to be and at first I didn’t know how to accept it. But like you, I talked to someone about it and I got some help. We made some changes and now things are much better. I hope things are soon better for you.

    Reply
  30. kim

    I’ll be writing about PPD/Depression on my blog this week, and it’s really something you should read. You are getting help early, which is so wise. I didn’t. Not so wise. But we are fighting the same battle. Knowing you are not alone does help, but the counseling and possibly antidrepessants really make a difference. The not hiding it make the biggest difference. I have 3 kids and have fought PPD with each one. I’m currently fighting clinical depression and anxiety. But I’m winning this time. Seriously, I’m not pushing my blog because I want a follower, but because I see a need. I started this to help other women w/ PPD, and here is a chance. I don’t ever have to know you read it. Praying for you and your family. God is the way.
    kim
    http://kimmiekuhl-babyfeet.blogspot.com

    Reply
  31. mama23bears

    you are absolutely not alone. we have all been there in some shape or form. for some it comes and goes just as quickly as it came. after i had my 2nd child, i remember hiding from the crying. turning on the fan in the bathroom and crying myself. i can remember feeling like i could hardly get out of bed because i knew i would have to take care of her again. it made me feel horrible. it was so conflicting with what i knew i should be feeling. but, like you i fought through it for 9 long months until it all crumbled from under me. she was crying, i was crying and i knew that i couldn’t do it anymore. i got help and it made my life liveable again. don’t ever be ashamed for seeking help. we need to keep ourselves happy in order to be able to care for our kids. and by happy, i just mean able to function. this too shall pass friend. ((hugs to you)) and, if you ever want to talk, i’m here.

    Reply
  32. Becky

    You are definitely not alone. I have been down that road too and I thought I was the only one. Thank you for having the courage to open up so that others know they’re not alone.

    Reply
  33. KG

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone by any means. You post has given me the courage to share my story because I truly feel that there are women out there just like you and me who are afraid to admit they have PPD in fear they will look like a bad mom. But we are not bad moms, it’s a serious thing and we need support. If you feel like reading my story head on over to http://talesofspiltmilk.wordpress.com
    Maybe in a way you can connect and know that other moms are having these feelings to. Take care!

    Reply
  34. Stephanie

    Oh Alison…it’s hard to admit when we need help, isn’t it? I’m so proud of you. I’m praying for you, dear friend. I’ve had my own struggles and, with the help of my mom, my husband, and a good friend of my mom (who is also a nurse and mom who has struggled with this), I’ve been getting much better. I think my struggle was pure exhaustion, so I’ve been able to help cure my baby blues with vitamins, resetting my priorities, a lot of prayer, and journaling. You are not alone in your struggles. Thank you for your honesty – it has already been an encouragement to me. Love you!

    Reply
  35. abby

    Thank you for your honesty! You did the best thing you could do. You got help. I really appreciate how transparent you are on here.

    Reply
  36. Kirsten

    You are amazing.

    I was just thinking of you this morning as I was preparing for work and how I find you so inspiring. You make me feel connected: to you, to mothers, to families, to people near and far, to my faith.

    I want to give you a hug.

    Reply
  37. Amanda

    Allison,
    Thank you for your honesty. So many of us try to put on the happy face and pretend that we are in love with motherhood when in fact it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done. I understand your fear. The fear of hearing that little cry when he wakes from a nap and you just want him to keep sleeping… the fear that you can not make him stop crying and if he won’t you might have to run away or hurt yourself… the fear that you have no clue what you’re doing and nobody understands.

    I’m learning so much about agape love through this motherhood thing. It’s about letting go of my expectations for my son (even if it’s a tiny expectation like that he’ll take a 2 hour nap!), and giving God the control. It’s about putting aside what I want to do and focusing on him. It’s about letting him cry when he needs to, even if it kills me inside… and knowing when to comfort him when he’s ready. It’s so much sacrifice that it sometimes feels like you’re losing yourself… and then you realize that when you put aside yourself and let the Lord take control, He is so, so capable to give you life abundant! May He be your joy and strength and peace! I’m praying for you, and you’re not alone! Satan knows the beauty and power of a godly mama, and he tries so hard to attack us and this calling… but Jesus has overcome, and you will too!

    Reply
  38. Sarah

    I Just wanted to echo what all these people have been saying here— it’s ok. Asking for help can be the hardest part, and what you are doing is going to make life better for you, your husband, and your son.

    And you are totally normal. You’re not the first, the only, and you’re certainly not the last person who has ever felt this way.

    So, hugs to you.

    Reply
  39. Erika

    I wish I knew what to do or say to take your hurt away. But just know that I am thinking of you…you have always inspired me with your strneght, beauty, and wisdom. I know you will get to a place where you can feel happy and content again.

    Keeping you in my prayers…

    Reply

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