here’s what I do know: God is good.

{I’m sorry if you came for the 1st birthday party post today. It is going to have to wait.}

I don’t know for sure. We will never know for sure.

I may be having a miscarriage. We don’t know. I do know that late Saturday morning I was excited to find that my period was back after a 22 month hiatus. By late afternoon I had a stomach ache, and at 4:00am this morning I awoke to large amounts of blood. As daylight came, things didn’t slow down and I just kept feeling worse and bleeding through things. Shorts. Pants. More shorts.

I called my midwife and she said it could quite possibly be an early miscarriage (negative test about 3 weeks ago means I probably wasn’t further than 7 weeks) but unless I started passing larger clots or having sharp pains I didn’t need to come in.

Is this really happening on the day of OBaby’s birthday party?

I went into the kitchen to cut fruit for the party that afternoon, because really, what was I supposed to do? (Well, besides rest like the midwife told me.) I’m not sure what I was supposed to do because I’m not sure what was/is happening.

If it is, it is. If it isn’t then it isn’t.

I don’t mean that to sound calloused, I guess I just say that as a coping mechanism. I don’t really know what to feel or not feel or what to think or not think. Deciding that it is one or the other seems like denial or dramatics, alternatively. In early miscarriages by the time the body begins to shed, the hCG levels may be too low to detect at home, so I didn’t even bother to test. And since I’ll never really know, then, well, I’ll never really know.

I took advil (LOTS of advil) and pressed on. I don’t know how. Honestly I am still a little baffled at how I picked myself up off of the bathroom floor, washed my hands, and started chopping watermelon.

No, that’s not true. I do know how.

The Lord carried me on.

That is not a trite statement I am making. I mean that God gave me an instant sense of peace, acceptance of the unknown, and optimism in the midst of it. This day was about my family and would continue to be about my family despite what I was or wasn’t going through. And as for what I am going through? Whatever it is, it is what needs to happen. In either case, I believe that it is my body doing what it needs to do to prepare for a future baby that will, Lord willing, start growing in there some day soon.

This is right. This is good. This is God’s timing.

In the midst of having a possible miscarriage during my son’s first birthday party, I feel His love.

His love for me in the dozens of family members and friends that came to celebrate with us God’s blessing on OBaby’s first year of life.

His love for me in that year of life with my absolutely precious baby boy for whom I am even more grateful after today.

His love for me through a dear friend who at the drop of a hat went out and bought me the biggest pads I have ever seen (but were exactly what I needed).

His love for me in providing the kind of peace that surpasses understanding and allows me to enjoy a party even while my body is in turmoil.

For me, today has been nothing short of supernatural.

I don’t know how to describe it other than this: For a brief moment in time it was as though God lifted me up to His perspective and gave me His eyes with which to see my situation. But because my human mind can’t comprehend what my eyes took in, it only knows that it is good.

That He is good.

Of that I am certain.

{If you please, refrain from making diagnoses via interweb in the comments. Thanksies!}

75 Responses to “here’s what I do know: God is good.”

  1. Lisa

    I’m so sorry what you had to go through. I have not tried to get pregnant yet, but I can’t imagine what it will be like, I already get worried around that time of the month because I’m nervous that if we had an “accident” and I’m taking medicine to ward off pain, what if I were to harm a child that I didn’t know was there.
    I’m glad I read your post today, God is so good. I really don’t know how people live without him. He is always there when we need him – whether we feel him or not.
    I love reading your blog, I know I don’t comment often, but I enjoy reading about your little family, it gives me hope that I can one day do it too!

  2. Tara @ This Military Mama

    It is always amazing to me how in the heaviest of times God comes in and not just lightens your load, takes it all on him and then carries you through it too.

    There have been times in my life that I know I only got through the day because of Him. I’m so thankful his grace, mercy, and love know no end.

  3. shelley

    So glad that he poured the knowledge of his goodness upon you. Thank you for sharing your life with us. God uses you so often to bless others by pointing back to him, even in the midst of pain.

  4. Beana

    A good friend of mine often says–in the midst of challenges or difficulties–“all I know is that God is still on the throne.” It is so true, that no matter what, even when life isn’t good, He is good. I’m glad you have that peace and knowledge during this time, even though I’m sure you also have your moments of questioning. I had an experience that was a possible miscarriage of a twin of my last daughter. I will never know one way or the other. Which is both easier and harder. But what I do know is that it was all in God’s hands, and I didn’t plan any of it or expect it, but he knew. He knows your name, and this is the day he made for you. Blessings and prayers.

  5. Elaine

    You have a wonderful, beautiful attitude and I’m just so glad you KNEW that He was with you that day. So many hugs…

  6. D

    Your faith is truly an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this with us. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.

  7. Auntie Laura

    My sweet niece….I know EXACTLY where you are at, I’ve been there multiple times. You DO survive and carry on because this too is part of the mysteries of life and God’s PERFECT plan for us. Through my disappointments I have learned to understand the loss that only a mother can comprehend. My prayers are with you.I love you my dear!

  8. Heather Cook

    Sorry you had to go through that! For what it’s worth… Aleve is super awesome for superbad cramps.

    And God really is good. Super good ;)

  9. Criston

    Hey Allison. I am so sorry to hear about your experience. Whether it was a loss or not, it sounds like it was a horrible start of the day for you. But it also sounds like you really experienced God’s love in a tremendous way! He really is good!
    I’ve posted here and mentioned a few times (whether you remember or not) about my loss of twins last November at 15 weeks, though it was missed for so long (they had died at almost 9 weeks). That was a tragic experience. And I hadn’t announced it publicly yet, but I was pregnant again until yesterday. Yesterday I found out this baby had died a week ago at 7 weeks. My third child, my second pregnancy.
    But God, through the support of good Christian friends and a great family, and through His Word, reminded me that He IS good, no matter what circumstances He allows us to go through. So I can relate to you a bit – God is good and He really doesn’t let us forget how much He loves us!

  10. Erin

    I am constantly amazed by you and your strength in Him. I am just now reading this, but you are in my prayers. The birthday party post is beautiful, too.

  11. Elisabeth at myronickmusings

    Oh Allison, I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking about your guys with OBaby’s birthday and was sad to see this sadness in the midst of a wonderful time of celebration. You are right though, God is good and His peace is truly amazing. I wish you continued peace during this time.


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