“You can handle it,” He whispered into my soul “Because I can handle it through you.”
To be honest I’m not sure I fully believe Him, even now. I tell myself that it’s hard enough with one. That things are just getting easier, why am I messing that up? That I’m not cut out for this. The worry and the accusations play like a broken record in my mind when I let them. If I allow myself to sit there, listening to the accuser, in those dark moments there has even been a whisper of regret.
It doesn’t make sense, Allison.
Don’t you remember last time?
What have you gotten yourself into?
Thankfully, there is a point – there must be a point – at which logic and reasoning end and the reality of an uncertain future begins. Where faith begins.
That point is exactly where I’m standing today, a good day (of which there are more every week). On faith. DanO and I decided to try for another baby because that’s the image of our family that has been put on our hearts. We knew we weren’t done. Beyond that? This is a leap of faith.
If I have said it once I’ve said it 1,000,000 times: you cannot be fully prepared for motherhood. This is true for the first time and I believe this is true the second and all subsequent times. It will blow your mind, and likely your gaskets with awesomeness and challenges. I cannot wrap my head around what it will look like to be the mom of two under two. Me, the one who ran crying into the night wearing her house slippers because she couldn’t take it anymore.
I don’t know, I cannot know, what my hormones or my brain chemistry will do this time around.
And that scares me. It scares me to my core.
But there, in my core as the fear seeps in, it meets something stronger. It meets the One who has not given me a spirit of fear. It meets the One who is giving me the faith to be confident in what I cannot see.
And with a quiet strength, when I let him, He holds me and the fear dissipates. It melts away with the worry and the anxiety and the trying to grasp things that I cannot yet comprehend.
And it is replaced with a peace that surpasses that understanding.
It is replaced with faith.