When my stress level rises my coping mechanisms come out and my defense shields go up. I think that’s true of most of us. But a funny thing happens when I am coping, defending, surviving – it becomes all about me.
My burden. My worries. My what-ifs.
These stressors, though, (the house project of the decade, money, a baby whose due date approacheth, time, decisions to be made, change. Lots and lots of change) are not solely mine. They are also DanO’s, and in a very real way, they are his more than mine. So I’m over here all woe is me, I have so much to deal with (which isn’t untrue!) and he’s over there dealing with the same things as me (perhaps minus the 36.5wk pregnant thing) plus the burden of a stressed wife.
Ah, my selfishness.
I’m stressed and thinking about myself. He’s stressed and worrying about me along with his stress. Stress, worry, defenses, fear, unknown…
::kaboom::
Hello, last night at 11:00. I should have seen you coming.
We got right down to it, DanO and I. There was so much we both needed to say, and we said it, mostly in the right tone of voice (ok after the initial verbal scuffle). UGH. Hard stuff.
Don’t you hate that? When you want to just buckle down under your defense shields and then you realize that those very shields are hurting someone you love? As in, if I’m constantly talking about how hard my life is, the protector and provider of this family is going to feel a constant blow. Coming to that realization last night felt like a band-aid being hastily ripped off of my selfishness. It hurt.
The time when we need to be most gentle with our spouses is the time when we would naturally be the most prickly.
Our pastor who married us (4 years ago next month!) said something during our wedding ceremony that has stuck with me (and hit me over the head several times):
Marriage is the only crucible hot enough to bring out all of your impurities.
Just like with metal, the more intense things get, the more pressure we’re under, the more stress and heat that is applied to us, the more our impurities – our selfish tendencies, our pride, our insecurity – will rise to the surface. It can get ugly up in here.
But it’s good. It’s ultimately good to lay my head down on my pillow at midnight and know that we just called some of those impurities by name, DanO and I. We acknowledged them and while we didn’t wake up this morning perfect people, we woke up more aware of how to love the other.
We woke up with a plan of attack instead of defense shields. And maybe just a little bit less stressed.
Amen. This is so true, Allison. It’s easier said than lived (I, for one, need constant reminders) but if you can get this, you can get anything.
And really, all the stuff stressing you out now? Will be almost forgotten in 5 years. Your relationship, however, will be totally relevant.
As much as I hate those nights, things always look a bit better in the morning don’t they? Glad you were able to share your thougths.
It’s a lesson I’ve learned well in the nearly 9 years of marriage we’ve got under our belts. Thankfully I’ve gotten to the point of understanding with it that says ‘I need to walk away from you before I say something hurtful, something I can never take back.’ The pressure valve resonates with me more, after countless times that I’ve not recognized it’s volatility and let it just explode. That’s just never good, for anyone. Hard moments, yes. But very well worth it when you’re over the hump.
I needed to read this post today. We are dealing with a similar situation (um, minus the pregnancy part) and I’ve totally been selfish and failing to consider my husband’s stress. Lately, it’s a daily struggle and I’m so fortunate to have a patient, loving husband who puts up with me. :) Thank you for sharing this!
What a great post and a refreshening reminder that marriage is a partnership…and we have to put ourselves in the other persons shoes from time to time. You two are so blessed. As are we. And, I try to remind myself in the midst of it all, in the midst of being pregnant with an 8 year old in a wheelchair (FOR EXAMPLE. AHEM. LOL.) that we are truly blessed. And God will see us through…
xoxo
I can so relate. Thanks for the post.
That is truly a wonderful thing to remember – I love how you took it with you from your wedding. That’s a great bond, in those moments of, “Really? Are you REALLY doing this??” My husband and I have had to learn an entirely new way of communicating with each other since my depression and recovery, so these ‘Really?’ moments come just about daily. I just may write this line down and tape it to my fridge to remind myself to be kinder to him!! (much, much, much kinder. The man has been THROUGH the fire.) Also, that picture? AMAZING. I hope you have it framed, large, and in the center of a room. It’s lovely!!
Nice post. I am 20 weeks pregnant and my husband and I had the same exact episode last night. Must be something in the air. We feel much better today too. And, I am humbled in that I have to remember that it is not all affecting just me. He has to deal with me upset on top of it all, which could push anyone over the edge when they love someone as much as he loves me.
Thanks for this post. I can really relate to this, as my husband and I did the same thing the other day at 11pm after I had a HORRIBLE day, and we went to bed at midnight too after our talk (a lot lighter at that point, I might add). It’s one of those things every marriage needs from time to time – to communicate the stresses and defenses, and even the hurts. I thought of writing a post about this very thing the other day – but you said it so much better than I could. I hope you don’t mind if I post a link to this post on my blog…because I’m sure many couples could benefit from this reminder to talk things over no matter the hour. Thanks again for sharing!
I’ve been reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Ortmanson ( I think I spelled her name right.) and the things I’ve noticed most changing are things in myself and my attitude and seeing myself more clearly. It really is an excellent book.
That’s one hot kiss there, lady!
I am guilty of this type of thinking this week. In my own self esteem battle and feeling not good enough or that my home is not “enough” right before we had 40+ people over to our home, I kept repeating, if only we had the $ to do this, I feel like the beverly hillbillies. And in the process, I hurt my husband’s heart.
The husband that works SO incredibly hard so that I can be a stay at home mom. And works on our house so incredibly hard. Sometimes it’s all about perspective. :)
First what an awesome photo!
Second, thank you sharing this, and once again being so real. We too have had a few recent “discussions” beginning in not so nice tones but ending in the realization that we are both just so stressed. I may be carrying the baby, but he carries the weight of the family. I sometimes think I’m the only one that worries about it all but truth is I’m just the only one that sheds the tears and verbalizes everything!
LOVE that photo of you two! :-) Great post. Sometimes it is SO hard to see what our partners are dealing with as well because we get into the “I, I, I” mode. This is a great reminder. Thanks for being honest and writing this.
Very nicely and humbly written. I went to see the video of the project and read this post (which I probably don’t do enough). After nearly 30 years of marriage, I am continuing to be refined and purified… and blessed. Thank you for sharing and being willing to expose the good and the not so good- which we all have.
ugh. i know what you’re talking about only too well. and my husband is too nice. i need to worry about him a little more, and about how my stress effects him. thanks for the reminder, friend.
Yes. Oh yes. I know this well. It is hard.