I originally posted this in October 2009 when OBoy was 4 months old – about the age that OBrother is now. Rereading it last night was exactly the reminder I needed.
For them, then.
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Holy matrimonial week from Hades. Having a baby is hard on a marriage, there’s no way around that.
DanO works hard, and he is good at what he does. He enjoys his boss and coworkers and finds his work challenging. Unless OBaby and I come get him, he often works through lunch (my husband has always been the “eat to live” not “live to eat” type) which means he’s in his office for 9 hours a day. When he comes home, he needs a little time to recharge. A little time to stare at a screen and not think.
Funny thing is, when he comes home, I need a little O MY WORD TAKE THE BABY IT’S YOUR TURN. I worked all day too, you know. But uhm, that’s the kind of thing that leads men to stay later at work because coming home is, well, work.
What’s a girl to do?
Throw herself into a pit of self-pity, that’s what. After a very long week (thankfully punctuated by a salon trip) I was kind of, like, done come Saturday. You know, ‘woe is me’ and all that jazz. Only DanO was, like, done too. YouknowwhereIamgoing.
Then BOOM marital strife like we have not known before. I was doubling over with mylifeishard-itis and too blinded by my own needs to see the ones of the person I married. O, and let’s go ahead and complicate it with the fact that OBaby will no longer fall asleep in DanO’s arms. Nay, only in the tired, sore arms of yours truly. I wanted out – at least for a 15 minute walk of freedom.
Turns out when I take care of OBaby solo in the evenings and on the weekends, at times I do it begrudgingly (true) and DanO feels guilty for having some alone time to edit senior pictures (He’s taken two people’s now. Cool? Yes.) when I’m stuck with OBaby. So while DanO adjusts exposure and vignettes, I mumble things under my breath that would make a Wheaton College student blush.
I am not proud. I’m just saying.
Being sufficiently guilted by a conniving wife, DanO comes down from his office and sits with us. Now who’s begrudging?
UGH it is such a vicious cycle you guys.
Let me explain further.
One day last weekend I had a twinkling of an idea that hey, maybe another baby wouldn’t be that bad (it should be noted that I am not presently on birth control, but really ought to be, given OBaby’s conception circumstances/ittookaday) (Did I just go there, Dad? Yes. Yes I did). I’m not sure what possessed me last weekend, but I concluded that perhaps we don’t have to pay for birth control because, really, the alternative is a fairly agreeable option.
(I am such an emotional roller coaster.)
But then, Last Week happened (pre-salon treatment) and I quickly decided to redecorate the living room instead of getting pregnant again. It seemed like a wise and fair exchange. Cut to Sunday afternoon when our senior picture appointment (the third) was canceled and I suggested hey! Let’s move the furniture around in here, like in college, only it’s not modular. As we re-oriented the couch so that the TV is not first and foremost in the living room, we began to squabble. You know, big brother-little sister type bickering because so help me if my couch is going to be shoved up against the wall in the corner.
And then it escalated. And then we were yelling at each other and it was a mere 20 minutes before our dinner guests were to arrive (is stuff starting to make sense, Cindy?). O, neither one of us could see past the end of our own noses to the huge gaping wound we were creating in the other person.
Yuck, yuck, and yuck.
We separate for a few minutes, I make chili like we’re still having people over, and then we kiss and make up hastily before the doorbell rings.
Now it’s last night and we’re doing pretty well until for the umpteenth time our good sleeper wakes up to poop with much effort and tears after being asleep for an hour and a half (right as we were getting some much needed together time). I flipped my lid. I tell you, it was the closest I’ve come to a break down since high school. This is where I remind you that OBaby will no longer fall asleep in DanO’s arms. So I’m walking figure eights around our dark house thinking about what could have been this evening and playing the victim role so hard I deserved an Oscar nod. OBaby fell asleep eventually and DanO came back to bed after a contemplative 10 minutes out on the couch, likely wondering what has become of his wife and who is this crazy woman with whom he shares a bed.
We go to sleep with an air of contempt in the room thick enough to use as diaper cream.
Then, after falling asleep I had a dream as vivid as my pregnancy days, only this one wasn’t weird and physically impossible. I was driving to meet a friend for coffee, seething with anger at how my life is ruined and preparing to unload it on her over a latte for some sympathy, when out of nowhere the skies blacken and things start flying and all I know is that my Honda CR-V has been picked up by a tornado and I am now at the whim of the winds.
“O Lord, please let me land gently and survive!” I cried.
“But why? You hate your life.” He responded
“Because DanO and OBaby need me, they need me God and I see that now. Please!”
“For them, then.” He said.
And as quickly as the storm came, my car was sitting on it’s side in a quiet and empty parking lot, myself intact. All I remember after that is unbuckling my seat belt and climbing out the passenger-side door in search of my family.
I can honestly say I had never before experienced God reaching out to me through my dreams, but I now fully believe He does. I literally awoke to OBaby’s crying this morning at 5:40 and felt refreshed as I got out of bed to change him.
I called DanO this morning to tell him, too. I am well. Huge parts of me feel healed. When DanO gets home, it doesn’t suddenly become all about me. I can have much needed salon trips and baths and the occasional time off, but it will never, ever be all about me.
For them, then.
Amen, sister! Pregnancy and babies can be so hard on a marriage, and yet God can use those hard times to create deeper love and growth. I was reading in Crazy Love this morning about how giving without love is not pleasing to God, but giving with love is worship to Him and creates joy and blessings for us. Motherhood can be so draining when we’re always giving, giving, giving… and there doesn’t seem to be much love left to give. But when I take the time to seek the Lord and be filled with His love, then the giving is a blessing. Anyway, I don’t mean to write a book. :) Thank you for your encouragement and for being so real in your writing! Praying for you and Dan to be strengthened and renewed in this season of life!
Oh goodness … this post, mama … perfect timing. I’ll admit, I’ve been wallowing lately. Wallowing about how tired I am from being a part time working mama, part time SAHM. Wallowing about how life is so different than what I thought it’d be after becoming parents. Thanks for posting this today of all days. :)
thank you for this honest and beautiful post. for them, then.
Thank you for reposting this, Allison. Knowing that these moments, fights, and trials are a normal part of marriage between two broken people sets my expectations aright. Thank you for your honesty, for your vulnerability. I am so grateful.
Oh friend, my house JUST last night was this, exactly.
We have a 4 month old baby boy as well! This post really hits close to home for me. It makes me feel better to know other marriages go through the same thing. Sometimes, I have to step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself that this is what I want.
Thanks for the reminder!
You said it perfectly, Allison! I don’t now how many times I felt this way when my daughter was 4 or 5 months old (which happened to be in the midst of my husband’s busy season at work…think 60 hours/week..you get the picture…it wasn’t pretty) and with Baby #2 due around the same time of year, I’m concerned about the same things. Thank you for your openness and honesty in this repost:)
Oh, Allison, this is why I love you. So real and refreshing. Loved these words.
OK, i love this post. so real & refreshing & just what i needed. you know, even though i’m not married yet ;)
It is nice to know I am not a crazy lady and we all go through this. I am still working on giving my husband time alone when he gets home. Thank you for being so honest.
This is exactly what we are going through now too. My two children are almost the exact same ages as your two, so I know exactly how you feel. I read this earlier this morning and I’ve been thinking about it all day, trying to find the right words to say to not make me sound like a troll. Seriously, I am just being honest and I’m not trying to be mean when I say this, but I call BS on our husbands not wanting to help with the kids when they get home from work. I work out of the home occasionally and I for one cannot wait to get back to my kids at the end of the work day. I can’t imagine that I’m the only person who feels this way and I can’t imagine that our husbands wouldn’t want to love on our kids as soon as they walk in the door. Our husbands work all day out of the home. We work all day in the home. Our children are our shared responsibilities. Their care should be split between the mother and the father. If the mother takes care of the children and the house all day, then the father should be willing to help take care of his children for the few hours of the day that he is home with them in the evenings before bedtime. And no mother should ever feel guilty for asking this or expecting this of her husband. This is 2011. Man up, men.
Megan, I totally agree. When I was a stay at home mom (with five kids), my partner would come home from work, change, and go sit in front of the computer. It would really irritate me. Being at home with five kids all day drove me insane. I was not asking for a break when she got home, I was just asking for some help. It was ridiculous. No matter how many times I expressed to her that I too was working all day, and I too was tired, she never changed. Eventually, after many many years of being depressed and overwhelmed, I left. Everyone has their breaking point.
Thank you so much for posting this! My son just turned 6 months old and O :) have I been building resentment ever since. I have gone back to work full time as a high school teacher and, get this, my husband works on a ship for 3 weeks at a time! Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that if I do anything extracurricular (like when my mom offers a FREE dinner, even!) I have a breakdown. When hubby comes home for his 3 weeks off I am ready for a break for sure. We have had these same conversations. Thanks, also, for giving me something to read with DH and open up some much-needed, valuable conversation points.
thank you, just what i needed to read.
Well this made me cry, just a little bit. We had a hard week, the kind made up of two working parents and a sick baby, and arguments about who has it worse. Fun! Thanks for writing this. God is good.