so i finally told her to shut up.

I have someone in my life very close to me who always seems to be on the attack.

You aren’t a very good wife.

You should be nicer to your kids.

Those jeans don’t seem to fit that well.

How dare she? It’s not that I need things sugar coated, no, I do need honesty spoken into my life, but I need it to be presented in a constructive way. Perhaps with a plan or a gentle encouragement. This is not what she spits out at me. Hers are words of destruction, of cutting down, of malice, of judgment.

Her influence on my self image was strong. So desperate was DanO to help me see my beauty through her lies that my sweet husband had me put on cute outfits and took me out to do a photo shoot.

It worked for a little while, but it did not attack the root of the problem.

Why haven’t I just told her to get lost already?

Because she is me.

 It’s an incredible reminder to me to think that I would never in a million years let someone else speak to me that way. I would simply tell them not to let the door hit their behind on the way out. And yet a dozen times a day I say these things to myself.

But I’m working on it. I have called her out on it (her being my self-talk). I have begun to tell her to kindly stuff it. Are there areas in which I need improvement, patience, grace, perseverance, self-control? Always. But her words do not aim with a purpose, they aim to hurt. They are not welcome here.

When was the last time you told her to shut up?

{This post was inspired by a message I heard last week at MOPS.}

32 Responses to “so i finally told her to shut up.”

  1. Sarah

    It’s always hard – four months postpartum and I’m still carrying an extra 15 pounds. Is that normal? Yes. Do I look pretty good? Yes. Do I still beat myself up about it? Absolutely. *Sigh*

    But just to be a counterpoint to that nasty inner voice – you are super adorable and you have awesome hair. :)

  2. Sarah S

    Oh, I struggle with this. Especially the “you’re not a very good wife” “you’re not kind toward your children” and “you look terrible in photos and clothes”. It’s hard and yes, I would NEVER let anyone else speak to me that way! Why do I say it?

    One thing I have found, is that as I have gotten older and I get further into my role as a wife and a mother, the voice, while not going away, is getting nicer. I am not perfect. Not in any stretch of the imagination. But I have learned to sit and say “you are not being a very kind wife TODAY” or “I don’t like how I look in pictures, so what CAN I do about it?”. Some days are like that. You’re not on top of your game -mothering or wifing (is that a word?) and I have learned that it’s far more productive to admit my failure in the instance and not feel down on myself overall. Does that make sense?

  3. Kristy

    I was so angry that someone would say those hurtful things to you, then so shocked to find that the person was you.
    I know that I only know you through reading your blogs, but Allison let me tell you…you are beautiful, smart, funny, honest, transparent, kind, and a great mother and wife. You are a wonderful person and someone that I look up to. Honestly. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job. I promise. I am almost 33 and am still not HALF the woman that you are. Take care love.

  4. Kassie

    As I was reading the beginning of this I was like why is someone like that in your life? Then you said it was you and that got to me. I find myself in the same place often and I really should start telling her to shut up as well!

    You look beautiful by the way in these pictures, but also… this blog gives a glimpse of your heart and thats beautiful too!

  5. anna

    You rock. Thanks for sharing this – who doesn’t need to hear this reminder?! Let’s get together soon. =)

  6. Jessica

    Last Friday was the last time I told her to shutup…yep, I didn’t just tell her. I yelled at her. Thanks for being so honest because you’re not the only one and it helps to know I’m not either!

  7. Erin @ Home with the Boys

    Oh honey. I am right there with you so often. I have to tell myself over and over again that God designed me just as I am to do exactly what I am doing. We are so hard on ourselves. Praying for you dear.

    And you look GORGEOUS. Seriously, LOVE those pictures.

  8. Megan

    As someone who is recovering from an Eating Disorder, I know exactly how that feels. As someone who follows Jesus, it can be very hard and shameful to admit that, much less face it. I’m glad you are. You are beautiful!

  9. Erin

    Do you wanna move to CA because I want to be friends and hang out all the time :) our kids would get along great.

    That mean (inner) girl was kicking my butt all weekend. Wrecked the weekend actually. But upon thinking about it and then reading this timely post, I can’t waste any more time or energy, she needs to go.

    Thank you!! And if you don’t want to move, you can always visit, there is more than enough room ;)

  10. Janelle W.

    I think we need to start a site where we submit photos or stories of ourselves where we say something nice about ourselves. Obviously, other people can comment, too, but somewhere that we’d HAVE to admit that we look good in those pants or a story about how we did something awesome for our husband or children (or cats, in my case). One giant group-hug from the internet and, most importantly, ourselves. Can we do this?

  11. Stefanie

    This is wonderful. I just wrote a post and shared it on my blog. We can all relate, and every woman needs to read this. And by the way, your pictures are beautiful!!

  12. Steph

    You look beautiful. I love your freckles! Oh and isn’t MOPS the greatest? I am hosting our steering team tonight at my house. What a great support group of Moms.

  13. Alisha

    i was thinking as i began to read, heck yes kick her to the curb, lol.

    we all do it. i will say that getting older gives you a much different perspective on things. i don’t beat myself up nearly as much at 40 as i did at 20.

    great little post and your are adorable….don’t change a thing!

  14. Brettan M.

    I do not always comment, but I always read and often I feel so connected to the person you are. Having children about the same age as yours I find myself thinking that I do not have the patients I should, so much so that I take it out on my husband at night when the children are asleep. The inner me is brutal and I am going to take your advice and tell her to shove her opinion. Thank you for this post!

  15. Jen

    Yeah, I need to tell her to shut up too. Easier said than done. ugh. I’ve been REALLY struggling with this for the past five days so I needed to read this.

    (The 2nd photo of you is so beautiful I almost cried)

  16. Jess

    I knew in the first few sentences who “she” was because I do the exact same thing…great/powerful post!

  17. Kaycee

    Oh goodness, thank you for this.

    I was totally ready to kick that friend in the shins for you….. then I get to the end of the post and YEP. I do that too. Why do we do that? Those pictures are gorgeous (seriously) and the most beautiful part is that it was DanO’s idea. That he did that to show you how he sees you is beautiful. Because that’s how you are. My husband tries to tell me and show me too, I need to listen to him.


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