Slivers of moonlight whisper through the windows and across our white down comforter to find us cuddled up, curve to cove, cove to curve, just has we have every night of his life. He nurses and sighs, sighs and nurses. One chubby hand grasps at my chin, my pendant, my lips. Groggy eyes search for something to distract and land on the slivered moonlight, then find my own. He cracks a smile, which breaks his latch. Joy and peace and grace this moment is. I look down through the mostly dark at the curve of his smiling eyes which disappear on account of his cheeks. He latches again and settles in, muscles relaxing.
In the quiet I can hear his swallows and my thoughts. How is this even possible, all this? This, my body creating and sustaining another body? A gift, this boy full of smiles and babbles who fits perfectly into this family like he fits in this cradle hold. How intricately we are known and made, that we could possibly be woven together this perfectly.
His swallows slow, then pause, his eyes now closed.
This moment, this joy and peace and grace. I want to grab it all and cling to it because it fades, O, Lord do I know how it fades. Last night, was it? that I laid on this bed with another nursing baby who somehow this morning I awoke to find a two-and-a-half year old who hasn’t nursed in over a year.
Stay, moonlight. I whisper back into the silence. Stay, joy and peace and grace. Stay, sweet, soft, warm nursling. Stay. I know it’s in vain, but it bears asking.
These moments, they drift off and away as quickly as my baby, filled with warm milk, drifts into sound sleep. It hurts, almost, to know I will miss this even before it is over. But this is the risky proposition of motherhood, to allow oneself to experience the greatest joys and sweetest moments knowing that they will not stay.
My only consolation is this: the moments that come swift at their tails will be joy and peace and grace all their own.
This is PERFECT. This is probably my most favorite blog post of yours.. ever. Here I am wishing for my kid (15 months old) to just STTN and stop night nursing. But when she finally does? I know for certain that I’ll be missing it. Thanks for reminding me that our time is quickly fading. She’ll be grown before I know it.
Yes this…I have been grieving being done nursing my youngest, now almost 4 for nearly 2 years…I was fortunate she nursed a long time. I miss it so.
Beautiful reflections.
Jen
motherhood may be messy and exhausting…but its absolutely beautiful. what a blessing and an honor that God has chosen us to mother these precious beings. And you my dear, are just beautiful.
Allison, this is beautiful, and I’m grateful…SO grateful…to be on the journey of motherhood that allows me to identify so closely with the feelings you’ve written about here. “…I will miss this even before it is over.”
Wow, Allison. This is gorgeous, beautiful writing of such a wonderful moment.
This brought back such fond memories. And I cannot wait to breastfeed my next child. Awesome description.
Absolutely beautiful
beautiful. such a miracle it is!
I LOVE, LOVE this. I felt this earlier when I was nursing my 6 month old little guy (who also has an almost 2.5 year old big brother). I relate to so many of your posts- These words really spoke to me, “It hurts, almost, to know I will miss this even before it is over. But this is the risky proposition of motherhood, to allow oneself to experience the greatest joys and sweetest moments knowing that they will not stay.” Thanks for saying all those things I’m not eloquent enough to express. I hope you don’t mind if I share a link to this on my blog? Have a wonderful weekend!
chills-ies.
lovely lovely reflections. gratitude is salve for the soul – keep on basking in it, sister. :)
Beautifully written!! My heart swelled with happiness as I know EXACTLY what you mean. :-) Now I’m almost in tears as I play it over in my head…..I miss those days. My “baby” will be 2 in 3 weeks and she stopped nursing 2 months ago.
Yes. My own heart’s thoughts too. I especially love how you were able to express allowing yourself to experience the moments while knowing the whole time that they will not stay. Just the pick me up I needed today. Thanks!
Beautiful…brought tears to my very tired eyes. I will miss it when he’s done!
Beautiful words for a beautiful experience – true gratitude and love.
so beautiful!! :)
I absolutely LOVE this. Beautifully written and so so true. Thanks for reminding me to appreciate every little moment with my little guy – even the ones in the middle of the night. They don’t last forever.
i’ve been thinking about this a lot. you said it so well. there’s always so much talk of milestone and new phase, in parenting, sometimes (many times,) i just want to flash freeze the moment and never let it go. it changes so fast. so so fast. probably the most bittersweet thing i’ve ever experienced.
Just absolutely beautiful. My babies are half grown, but I know too well the pull of missing it before it’s over.
Beautiful. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently.
Thanks for this- I had this very moment last night and this is why I will nurse as long as I can. Beautiful God breathed moments!
Absolutely beautiful, brought tears to my eyes. These are the same thoughts that pass through my mind each day and causes me to snuggle a little longer, read “just one more story”, and simply cherish the littlest moments.
I just stumbled upon your blog, but had to say this is absolutely beautiful.
Love this… I’ve thought a million times how I wished I could put how I feel about nursing into words, and you just did it. Beautiful.
Your line about the risky proposition of motherhood…so beautiful and so true. It just resonated so deeply with me. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.
Oh, lump in my throat. I could literally weep reading this. I have so been experiencing these similar feelings lately. Despite exhaustion, that 5 a.m. feeding is my absolute favorite time of the day. With an almost 3 year old and a 4 month old baby, it’s about the only time of the day my house is utterly silent and I can FEEL God’s grace. My purpose becomes so clear and gratitude abounds. What a privilege to be someone’s everything. I might not be important or known to the world, but I AM her world. Thank you for putting my feelings into words.
That is EXACTLY how I feel… It’s like I wrote the post myself. I love those moments, even though they are bittersweet because I know I’ll miss them so much later. There’s something about the calmness of the night when you’re nursing your baby that just makes you appreciate motherhood and God so much more. Well said :)
This post brought tears to my eyes. I love those sweet night time nursings and the profound connection we have with our children in those moments. Thank you for writing so sweetly and from the heart. Children are a reward and a blessing from God, and this post was a blessing to all who will read it!
Paige is sitting on my lap and she’s smiling and talking to the pic of Isaac. :-)
beautifully written. I think this is my favorite post that you have written. Dont get me wrong, your posts all all great (thatsn why I follow) but this one is just lovely!!!
LOVE this.
Beautiful prose. Brings back wonderful memories. How true it is.
I have often laid with my almost 4mth old baby girl with these same thoughts and prayers. How is this possible, God? HE does all things well! Thank you for putting my thoughts into beautiful words.