Friends, I pulled up so much old flooring this weekend that I can hardly see straight. There was the faux wood that the most recent owners had put down (which, hi. Why would you put down fake wood next to real, beautiful original wood? You’re not going to fool anyone.), below that was a layer of vinyl tiles of the black and white checkerboard variety, then came a semi-ancient linoleum floor, followed by the original linoleum floor (which was so fancy and new-fangled for our house’s era, 77 years ago). Each remodel had simply stacked upon the last, no one bothering to wipe the slate clear and start fresh.
Because the layers were so deep, we cut rows with the skill saw then with much effort and several crow bars, we ripped it off, all the way down to the sub-flooring. Then, when the pile of discarded floors got too large, we stopped and hauled it to the dumpster.
This peeling back, this undoing time, starting fresh concept is not lost on me.
Through our recent financial faithfulness adventure, this weight loss journey, and what was that other change? O yes, becoming a mother, I feel like the calloused, sinful layers I had built up around myself are being peeled back layer after selfish, prideful, impatient layer.
(And I thought that old linoleum was ugly.)
My health and weight loss efforts have brought to light my ‘need’ for comfort through food, my belief that I deserve to eat whatever I want (see also: overwhelmed mom), and my lack of concern for the body God has given me. Our crack-down budget and new-found fiscal responsibility (Total Money Makeover fist bump) has made it apparent, O so apparent that I have very little self control over my consumerist tendencies. And now that I feel that my postpartum anxiety and depression have been consistently in check for a while (glory to God!) I am needing to be honest about my character and behavior toward my children.
It’s like God can’t leave me alone, y’all. He just keeps after me, keeps trying to remodel my heart, and it’s hard. It has been especially hard lately, with so many vices and sinful tendencies coming to the surface at.the.same.time. I have honestly prayed and asked if I could keep one or two for now. You know, just put some new flooring over the anger issues and we can address those during some other remodel?
No? Can I keep the laziness, then?
Obviously just peeling back and seeing what’s under there is not the same as the actual work of removing the layer. Be it flooring or sin, it takes a lot more back breaking effort and a longer timeline than simply the first identifying glance. So here I am, being peeled back where scabs had grown and where I had gotten comfortable without even noticing it.
I know this work is long and hard, but I also know that the result is beautiful.