{My three kids and me, snuggling.}
This afternoon is our twenty-week ultrasound. They will check to make sure baby’s four heart chambers are all properly formed and functioning, that his or her brain and spinal cord look right, and a dozen other things, I’m sure. This always makes me a little bit antsy, as it is the first peek inside and abnormal results can be life-altering, medically speaking. However, more often than not (and in 100% of our past experience) the fetal survey ultrasound has been rather uneventful as far as baby development is concerned. Gender discovery, however, is always an event.
We choose to find out the gender at 20 weeks because I’m not particularly patient, nor have I ever felt an inkling of conviction that not finding out is somehow better for our family. I don’t need a surprise upon delivery or ‘more of a reason to push’ (the notion of which has always made me laugh because Lord help me, I did not need any further persuasion to push than was, uhm, already present).
There is another reason we do choose to find out: sorting out gender preferences.
I have one. There, I said it. I have a gender preference for this baby and I’ve had one for both of my others. Perhaps to some this makes me less of a good person, less of a loving mother, and that is quite alright because frankly I could talk to you about my short comings as a mother from here until Sunday. Not this Sunday but the one after that. This gender preferring just happens to be among them, and what’s worse is that it’s less a gender preference and more a non-preferred gender.
The idea of raising a daughter is severely intimidating to me. Paralyzingly, frightfully so. I know what kind of a daughter I was, and I cower at the idea of having to parent that. I know where my own mom tripped up and how that has effected me into adulthood. In my mind, it feels like more is at stake when raising a daughter and I’m frankly not sure I am up to the challenge.
This is all very non-politically-correct-heart-dump, and I’m sure two-thirds of you are thinking “Allison! What if your (potential) daughter finds these words and reads them someday? Are you sure you want this out there in the interwebs for all eternity?” And yes, I have thought about that two, and my reasoning for sharing anyway is two-fold.
First, many of you have felt this way. Whether it’s about possibly having a daughter or possibly having a son, you’ve felt the preference and you weren’t sure what to do with it. So, here I am holding your hand in solidarity and saying “I’ve felt it too, and you are not alone.”
Second, but more importantly, when I think about my maybe-daughter finding these words some years in the future, my immediate reaction is this: I hope I will have already told her how frightened I was of raising a girl, that we will have talked about that fear, about those lies I believed, and we will have laughed at them. I have to believe, in my mind, that this will all seem silly one day and that having a daughter will knock my socks off, because I know that brokenness is meant to be redeemed, that weakness is meant to be strengthened, that fear is meant to be cast out by blinding light.
What I hold right now in my heart is a little bit broken, a little bit weak, and a little bit afraid, so even if the process of it (raising a girl) freaks me right out, I have to trust that there will be healing.
you are brave and you are a great mom. you got this, and if you need to ship potential-girl-baby off to aunt abby for the weekend, she’s always welcome.
Bless your Heart Sweet Girl. Thinking of you as you get an in depth glimpse at the miracle growing inside your belleh! Can’t wait to see pictures…
oh girl, I know your heart on this one. I’ve been there…you are absolutely no less of a mother in my eyes. Just a mother. A true, honest to goodness mother.
I love your heart.
To quote my gender reveal post from baby #2: “We’re having another girl and my heart is so full right now I think it might explode. You see, somewhere along the way, Rylee has taught me so much about love and that what we want, might not always be what we need, but what we need and what we have is in fact, perfect for us.”
No matter what it that little baby in your belly turns out to be, it will be perfect for your family.
xo
I also had a gender preference-FOR girls, and I got three of them. I too was scared of the opposite gender, afraid that past the baby stage they wouldn’t love me much, would prefer daddy. We’re done growing our family so I don’t have to be stretched by raising a boy, instead I am stretched EVERY day by these girls God gave me.
I just gave birth to a little girl 7ish months ago, and have a 3 year old boy. The difference between them already astounds me and I am still terrified of raising her. I know in my hear of hearts that I (and my husband) will do an amazing job with her, just as we will for our son, but the world surrounding a young girl is terrifying and I just hope and pray that we do enough. Congratulations on your baby, and if it is a girl know that your fears are shared with other girl moms across the country and we are all in this together!
I love that you are so honest! We (as mamas) get so prideful and refuse to be honest with ourselves and others! How can we expect God to work in us when we try to “hide” everything! Also, I cried when I found out I was having a girl. Balled, out of sadness. So rediculous to cry over Gods blessing to our family! :)
Praying for you dear, friend. I have had a preference for each of my pregnancies and was heart-broken when I did not get my wish. (I have 2 amazing sons, like you). I have learned to LOVE being a boy mom. And I love my two sons more than I EVER thought I could connect with a boy.
But oh, how I long for a daughter. Over the past few months, God is really giving me peace like He never gave me before, that I might not get one, and I am becoming more and more okay with that. (Walk by any Justice store and that’ll help a girl like me… I never want to have to tell a daughter that no, I will not be buying her those sequined mini-clothes). But the desire is still there.
I was a horrible daughter. My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and boy oh boy, did I abuse that split to get myself spoiled R-O-T-T-E-N! My mom and I fought in evil evil ways that no child should ever fight with her parent(s). But you know what? Though we still butt heads often (I now attribute it that we are more alike than we like to admit), we are the best of friends. (Being an only child, raised 90% by my single mom and having my dad die when I was a teen kind of forces that on a girl.) And that is what I long for most. Sure I would LOVE to dress a baby girl in frilly rompers and tiered dresses when she’s young, and I will dread the drama of teen years….. but I just get sad to imagine NOT having an adult daughter to beFRIEND in a way that I know a much-loved Daughter-in-Law can’t quite compare to someday.
But I also know that if we have another boy for #3, God has blessed me beyond what I ever deserve, and he will bless me through that too — somehow. Maybe by justifying me wearing a few more skirts and taking a few more girls’ nights out to boost my estrogen camaraderie!
I can’t wait to hear your news and pray that you will feel joy and blessings in whatever you find out today!
Thank you. I know that paralyzing fear. I sometimes feel that I was so failed as a daughter that I would never know what to do for my own. I also believe God very specifically gave me two boys; pre-therapy, pre-PTSD diagnosis, pre-healed (or on the road). He only gives us what we can handle and if he has chosen for a sweet little girl to be revealed today, He knows you can handle it girl! Good luck this afternoon!
I think it is totally okay to have big feelings about the gender of your child. I know we all really want a healthy baby but there are reasons we all want certain things in life, like to get the gender of our choice. I was one who really really wanted a girl the third time around. I have always seem myself raising a daughter. With boy #1 and boy#2 I didn’t care too much because I knew we were going to have 3 kids. When we went to the ultrasound and he said #3 was a boy I couldn’t believe it. This was NOT apart of the plan for my life. What was I going to do with THREE boys?
I took some time to get over it. Now boy #3 is 2.5 and I just can’t even imagine life any other way. Sometimes I do wish I had a girl but it is more of a “that would have been cool to have” kind of way.
All this to say, if the gender of your baby is not what you are wanting, give yourself time to deal with that. I had to. I had to let go of a future daughter. Something I had held with me since I was old enough to want my own kids.
I can say from my experience that being a girl with two older brothers is probably the best thing ever. I’ve had built in protectors my entire life that always looked after and babied me.
My fiancé, however, is the youngest of three boys, and they weren’t exactly protective haha.
There are benefits and downfalls to either gender, and you will be happy no matter what you find out :)
I’m so grateful you have the courage to name your fear. We’ve talked about this before, so you know it’s a fear I can relate to. I have half-formed drafts of blog posts about it, even though I’m nowhere near having a kid myself, girl or boy. I’ve worried about my daughter being like me, me being like my mom, the whole works. But like you, I believe in the kind of redemption that makes the fear a face-able one. Whatever happens, you’ve got this, mama, and you’ve got loads of people standing with you. xx
I totally get this and it does not make you a bad person at all. I cried many times when I was pregnant with my daughter. Yes I wanted a daughter BUT I am terrified. I worry about my daughters teenage years and hope i can respond better than my mom. I worry about broken hearts and sex. I know how that can leave you broken and I do not want that for her. It breaks my heart just thinking about. I think raising a girl can be so much scarier than raising a boy!
Even if you might have just failed the PC test, I’m applauding you for saying it out loud and for the prayers of your heart. I hope if it’s a little lady, you will indeed be laughing with her as she finds these words way off in the someday-oneday. My own upbringing (not placing blame, simply accepting the way it was) has often paralyzed me with my children. Not genders, specifically, but the emotional trauma I experienced and desperately not wanting to do that to my kids. I lose that battle sometimes, but it’s in my own pride that it happens. Because when I win, it’s because He has lifted me up and held me strong.
That’s exactly why I found out with my first! I wanted a boy, thought we were having a boy and knew if we were having a girl, I would need the next twenty weeks to process and adjust and avoid the fear and disappointment I was scared I would feel if I didn’t know and delivered a girl. But God knew what I could and couldn’t handle and I’m blessed with two beautiful boys but If we o have another baby, I will probably have to find out again so I can process and adjust if a girl gets added to our family. Don’t feel guilty, it’s ok to need an adjustment period and its healthier to do it before baby comes!
You are not alone, dear Allison. Thanks for being brave to say the words I know I’ve felt.
I am pregnant with my third….we found out on accident with my first, a boy, now 4. My second we had a super awesome gender reveal party (I called it a sex party!) and we cut into a pink cake, later having my daughter, now 2 1/2…..and now with the third we are waiting until I deliver to see what we are having!! I coudn’t be more EXCITED about this! I”m a nerd and I LOVE surprises and love that I have to wait 21 more weeks until I know, even though it’s probably going to drive me to drink. Too bad, it won’t be wine I”ll be drinking!
As we all know, every child is different….my little boy’s energy NEVER RUNS DRY and my little princess is a PISTOL! They both have given me a run for my money!!
I KNOW if you end up having a girl she will melt your heart (as do your boys, i’m sure!) and you will learn day by day how to be a mommy to a girl just as you learned how to be a mommy to your boys. Life is sweet. Enjoy knowing for the next 20 weeks! :)
I always wanted girls. Always. And God gave me two boys first, and then a girl. And He is so wise and knew what was exactly right for our family. Whatever He gives you, that little person is perfect for your little family. Boy or girl! I like finding out ahead of time for the same reason– so I could prepare my heart if the baby wasn’t the gender I preferred. And when it wasn’t– twice– I had plenty of time to wrap my mind and heart around the idea of boys, and by the time they came I could welcome them with 100% pure joy.
And can I just say something else? You are not your mom, and you are not doomed to repeat her mistakes. You’ll make plenty of your own (we all do– of course!– and you know that because you’ve already been a mom for years!), but God makes our kids resilient enough to withstand our mistakes. And in the end, it’s not us mothers that determine how our children will turn out– their futures are in God’s hands only.
Boy or girl, you’re gonna do great. :)
I LOVE what you said. SO true!!
We chose not to find out with both pregnancies. I just wanted to be surprised on birth day, no other reason. We were positive baby 1 was a boy. When She entered the world I was shocked and believed my husband was mistaking her parts! But I believe God gave me my daughter for all the reasons you’re scared to have one. I’m scared raising her but He is showing me how and helping me undo all the wrongs with my relationship with my own mother. You got this, He’ll show you too.
I wanted a boy to start with, and then have only one girl, surrounded by brothers. But the Lord saw differently, and has given me two girls thus far. Being raised with so many brothers, I just felt boyswould be the easier of the two to raise. I’m terrified of my daughters growing up. At the toddler and baby stage, it’s fine, but the future scares me so much more than if they were boys. But if you have a girl (and they really are awesome!), you are going to be such a great mother to her. And I have oodles of clothes I could pass along. :-) Can’t wait to find out!
As always, you are beautifully transparent in this post. I’ve felt this tension/fear & it is unsettling.
We know that “Perfect love casts out fear” & that “God is love” so I’m praying for your mama heart today that you have an incredible experience in that ultrasound room. God’s great peace wash over you & His grace fill you.
When I got pregnant with my first, I really wanted a boy. I had MANY of the same feelings about raising a daughter that you shared. If we had a girl first I wouldn’t love her any less, obviously, but I needed the 20 weeks to get ready. We did have a boy first, and a girl second. I was a little more “ready” for a girl but was still thankful to have time to get used to the idea. She is SUCH a joy though! I may be singing a different tune when we hit the teen years but she is so wonderful, I don’t know why I was so worried. Our 3rd is coming in July. I went into the ultrasound expecting a girl, just was my feeling but we’ll be welcoming another boy. We are all very thrilled!
Plus coming up with TWO names would be pure torture! ;) I’ve always been plenty motivated to push when the time came also. Haha!
You and I must be on the same track… we had our 20 week ultrasound this morning! (due Oct 12th). I too have the gender preference thing going on… but with the opposite problem. We already have two sweet little girls (about the same age as your boys), and the thought of having a boy absolutely terrifies me. I KNOW girls. I have girls. I am a girl. It’s what I’m comfortable with. A boy would want to do boy things (that I don’t know how to do). And play with “boy” type toys (that we do not own), and have boy… parts (that I have no idea how to take care of)… boys scare me. Thankfully, our ultrasound went great and there is a thriving, healthy, perfectly growing little babe tucked away in there – Whose gender is sealed in an envelope that we’ll be opening at our Anniversary dinner Tuesday night. I’m anxious to know, but at the same time… I’m happy to live in oblivion a few more days. Because if it’s a boy, everything changes. But somehow I have a feeling that just like if you have a girl… regardless of the outcome, everything is going to be okay because God works for good in all things. I take comfort in that every single day!
You gotta come on here somehow and tell us fellow-readers what YOUR baby’s gender is, too! So cool that you’re waiting for a special dinner date (the self control you’re practicing by holding that envelope and not opening it is freakin’ amazing, girl!). :) I love gender reveals! :)
Ok, I have 2 boys that are O boy and O brothers exact ages (born the same months). I’m due in September with #3 and I was set on having another boy for the exact reasons as you. About a month ago, I found out we are having a GIRL. I was shocked and scared when we left that ultrasound (don’t get me wrong….extremely grateful as well) While I’m still very nervous about those teenage years, I’m completely over the top excited to meet this little girl.
And to add….sometimes God just knows what we need better than we do and we just need to trust in Him.
Having a daughter of my own has made me think seriously and work hard on sorting out the damage that my loving mother accidentally bestowed on me. It’s hard to know that I may never know how well I did, since she won’t give me a report card and not being able to tell my mom how she’s hurt me in tiny ways for a long, long time is the majority of my issue. At this point, though, I can only do my best and pray for God’s grace. At almost 4 years into this (she’s almost a birthday twin to OBoy) we’re doing okay.
::whispers:: I hoped both of my boys were boys and I tell lots of people that if we have a third (or even a fourth), I am positive they will be boys because I am a boy mom. Girls are scary. So cute and ruffly and….scary.
Thanks for being so honest! I’ve often felt a little judged for having a gender preference. I love your explanation of why it would be Ok with you a daughter of yours ever read your words. Truer words were never spoken. I was so afraid of having a son, and longed for a daughter. I have five sons and have the most amazing peace about it. Truly miraculous.
Second baby: I wanted another girl, I got a boy. I was lackluster about the prospect until he got here. Now, I can’t imagine it any other way:)
Thanks for talking about this forbidden subject. I thought for sure you were going to say that you were hoping for a girl, as that’s what any mom to a boy (or boys) seems to say. We have a 3 year old son and when we were expecting our 1 year old baby girl, we wanted nothing more than a little boy. I felt like such an oddball, no one really understood it. When we got our ultrasound results and learned that everything looked great and we were having a daughter, I started bawling due to gender disappointment. At that point, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like a worse mother. You’re going to love your baby no matter the gender and you get over the disappointment, but it’s always nice to hear that someone else has been there.
I hope everything went well today and can’t wait to hear what you’re having!
You will be a great mommy to a daughter! I have three daughters, 5,2, and 11 months. They are so much fun!
I have to say- THANK YOU for writing this post. We have a gender preference- we have had one for each pregnancy. And come time for #3, there will be a LOT of stress and pressure up until we find out the gender, because it may be our last chance to finally have a little girl, if my husband has anything to say about it. You’re not alone. And even if you do have a daughter, I’m sure you’ll be a great mom to her.
I was the same way! I wanted boys so badly, but now that I have two girls I LOVE it! Once you get to know your baby and they reveal their character all that silly stuff that you think about before the baby gets here just seems silly. Plus, she’ll be rough and tumble with two older brothers – if she is a she. ;)
Oh, I have so been here… with both of my pregnancies. When I was pregnant the first time I so wanted a boy. I was definitely a wild one and the chance of having a daughter like me left me panicked. Now, 6 years later what do I have? A beautiful daughter that my husband says, and I agree, is just like me. But along with the scary parts, there are beautiful redeeming parts. The things I hated in myself, now I am learning to love, because I see them in her, and she is everything beautiful. Yes, it is scary hard, and the drama at 6 leaves me terrified for the drama at 16. But she turned me into a “I only want boys” person, into an “I only want girls” person. Which leads me to baby #2. I so loved having a girl the first time, and really longed for another girl for baby #2. When I found out that we were having a boy honestly I cried. Not tears of joy. But now he’s here and 7 months old, and every mother/son cliche is oh so true. He is wonderfully dreamy and his huge blue eyes and chubby arms that reach for me above everyone else make my heart melt in a way I didn’t know what possible. If we ever have a baby #3, I honestly do want the surprise, because I know either way will be so so delicious and loved filled.
Whilst I will never understand gender preference, I just can’t get my head around it, I truly applaud your honesty and as always a beautifully written post.
I absolutely wanted and just knew I would be having a girl, saw my husband and I with a family full of daughters, had no idea what I would do with or say to a boy, the whole nine yards. Then, of course, (surprise!) out popped a boy and now I think baby boys are just the most wonderful thing in the world and would adore a whole family full of nothing but sweet sons. I guess you never really know what you want until you get it, but regardless, there is absolutely no shame in gender preference! I won’t at all be embarrassed to say I’m hoping for another boy next time, so we’ll be having a girl, most likely. ;) Congrats on the new addition, who is sure to mix things up either way!
I can totally understand where you’re coming from, though I feel it more in the opposite way! I feel like I know girls, as I happen to be one, but boys are this unknown realm with unknown thoughts (not to mention unknown body parts!). However, I’m already blessed with a girl and a boy who are only slightly, slightly older than your two boys. I tell you what. They are both joys and totally frustrating and mysterious, regardless of their gender! Who knew? Just little unknown individuals. Just this Thursday we found out we’re having another little girl (due Oct 6!) and I definitely had a gender preference. I wanted another girl! I feel so blessed. And yeah, it’s hard to have gender preferences, or non preferences, and kinda scary to post them out there for everyone to see, but I think you have done and will continue to do great things!
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this! I just had a baby girl and whilst I am totally loving the pink stuff and imagining all the fun shopping dates etc we will have in the future, I am also PETRIFIED of stuffing her up! Some how a girl seems so much more frightening than my little boy- and you described it perfectly. How did you get to be so wise at such a young age? ;-)
three years ago … i sobbed because i found out i was having a boy. (yes. you are allowed to laugh at my insecurities.) i wrote a piece about how terrified i was of having a boy. and then it was a boy (of course.) and there is just so much that is the same about having a new gendered baby in your home … that it’s funny how stuck we get on the things that are so.much.different. you’re opposite me. i had my two pinks and then followed up with my little blue caboose. here … i’m going to share a note that my friend wrote to me when i was terrified of all things blue … (insert girls here) “are like this: Say you’re a chocolate lover, because, well, duh, of course you are. And you have your two little blue-eyed chocolate truffles that you savor day in and day out. You soak up their smell, you lick the melty goodness off your fingers. Then, one day, someone offers you a chocolate truffle with a fruity inside. And you think, oh, no way, Jose, I really only love my chocolate truffles. How do they even get the smooth raspberry goodness in a truffle anyway? But then, after a while, you find yourself being totally intrigued by the idea of having a little nom-nom on the raspberry truffle. And what do you know?!?!?! It’s *ALSO* your favorite. But instead of being your favorite chocolate truffle, it’s your favorite raspberry chocolate truffle.”
yes. i will admit that response totally made me cry – hormones, duh.
but also? it’s the truth. the honest to goodness truth. it’s so.much.different. but OHSOMUCH the same.
you will be a fabulous mama. to all three. no matter who they are.
Late to the comment party here but I have to say I feel you mama! You’ll rock it out no matter what and raise an amazing human no matter the gender.
I had a gender preference with my third and I really wanted a girl! I knew that I was probably done after three and I really wanted to have a daughter. I am sure that if K had been a boy I would have loved “him” just as much but I feel truly blessed that she IS a girl! :) I understand where you are coming from and your honestly is to be admired. xo
I think it’s completely normal to have a preference.. I’m expecting my first in November and both my husband and I want a girl.. We’d love a boy, but when we’re being 100% honest we do have a ‘preference’.
And I agree about finding out – I really don’t feel like I’ll need any more motivation to push that baby out.. And it’s a surprise either way, whether at 20 weeks or 40.
Can’t wait to hear what you are having! :)
I can really understand where you are coming from and I know I had a similar fear but in reverse..it was boys I did not want to know about! What I can say though was once that baby boy was in my arms it literally all fell away..I am so glad I had him now!
I love your honesty, and your sweet heart. I have a feeling that God will use this experience of mothering a girl to heal some of those old wounds, to bring redemption. I’m sure it won’t be easy, but I’m also sure your daughter will bring O so much joy. :)
If raising your daughter is anything like raising my daughter, you have nothing to fear. And the rewards are WELL worth it.
Dad
Ohmyheart. That is so sweet. You are blessed, Allison!
O now, that right there is just the sweetest thing! O how I miss my daddy’s encouragement!
I went into having a daughter a little worried and looking back on my childhood in a bit of a critical way of how my mom handled my teen years, kind of like you implied above. Now that my daughter is almost 9, i have completely dropped that attitude. yes, my mom could have done better but this sh** is HARD. It gets much harder as they get older I think too. Not physically, but emotionally. I may not make the same mistakes my mom did but I am sure there will be mis-steps along the way that will affect my kids into adulthood despite my best efforts. I only hope that they can look back at their childhood and my mistakes with love in their hearts as well.
Bless you for being brave! I never found out with any of my 3 darlings. But the first two times I had STRONG preferences. I never breathed them out loud BC I’m not nearly as brave as you! But I applaud you BC heaven knows we’ve all been there. And God is good, so, so good. He will prepare you for your little one in just the right way. :)
I too had a gender preference, I desperately wanted a third girl. We got a boy coming this time :). I think maybe it’s more of the unknown that we are afraid of maybe?? I too am very scared, all I know is little girls. A boy? What do I do with one of those?!
It’s hard for me to believe that anyone *doesn’t* have a preference. I am totally thrilled that my first is a girl – can’t help but want to raise another tomboy – you couldn’t pay me enough to put one of those headbands on her, but I am so intimidated by the idea of a boy. And of course I realize that she may still decide she loves pink sparkles, but I think I can get through that.
We waited to find out the gender not so I’d “have a reason to push” (what a crazy concept) but because, among other reasons, I knew that gender would be the last thing on my mind when holding my new baby for the first time. And a few weeks after her birth, when I’d gotten past “there is no way I’m doing THAT again,” I remember thinking, okay, it’s possible for me to have more than one. Because at least I won’t have 2 boys! Gasp!
Now I’m totally torn about what I’d prefer for #2, due in December. Part of my wants balance/one of each, part of me is still terrified by the idea of a boy. We are stopping at 2, so either papa will be totally outnumbered, or I’ll have to learn more about males. Time will tell…
Thank you so much for sharing this honest post! I felt exactly the same way about both issues in my own pregnancy. I also thought “the anticipation of knowing the sex of the baby” as an incentive to push was a little bit ridiculous; by the time labor was over, whether I had a boy or a girl would be the last thing I cared about. As far as gender preference, I was completely convinced that I was having a boy. The idea of raising a girl was totally intimidating to me, as well. Little boys grow up to love their moms, I told myself, while girls were complicated and terrifying to raise. However, it turns out I was expecting a girl, and after that initial moment of disappointment, I could not be happier! Of course a mom will love her child no matter what the gender may be, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring one gender over another before “the big reveal.” After all, you have a 50/50 chance of being right!
Slightly late to this, but just wanted to say that I’m 18 weeks pregnant with my first and the thought of having a gender preference has never crossed my mind. I’m now all nervous in case we have a girl! In in all honesty, I think there are things that I potentially fear about both genders. Girls tend to be more complex but I have two older brothers and know from experience that boys can be quite self-involved and distant. Oh well, I guess Mother Nature will decide! We have our 20 week scan next and have decided not to find out the sex, but can completely appreciate why people do.